"Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."

The  coach left us at Surrethani, the little change over spot, yet again, I think this could be our 3rd time here. Our ferry is to Ko Samui and we're getting dropped to the port by a company whose driver is a lovely little Thai gent who looks to be absolutely off his head on glue. He's picking people up on the side of the road and dropping them to their houses. In one case, he actually got out of the motor (which was still running) and went into someones house for maybe 15 minutes and came out eating noodles. I'm surprised at myself for being surprised. 

We get to the ferry as it's pulling off and just about make it on.

It's not so packed on the top deck so we make our way up and hold on for the 2 hour or so trip. We'd spotted a beautiful Asian girl sitting by herself. I'm convinced she's Philippino, B thinks otherwise. I'm perplexed, so I shuffle my way over and ask the very general "excuse me, have you ever been to Samui before?" 

 Her reply of  "No, I live in Bangkok", may have proved me wrong and B right but more importantly it has also given me a reason to continue this conversation as she hasn't thrown water over me or moved to another seat like it usually pans out. I use the gift of Dublin shite talk to reel her in and by the end of the 2 hours, we'd exchanged details and were going to meet up at the full moon party, result.

After that me and B grab a jeepney styled tuk-tuk and decide on Lamai beach to dig our heels in. 

Ko Samui is a crazy place, in fact crazy doesn't sum it up. There's lots going on here, like a giant local community street party except replace friendly neighbours and BBQ's with strippers and Chang beer.

It's the 1st time we're struggling to find somewhere to stay - within budget, which to be honest was running low. 

Eventually we're pointed in the direction of a little hidden away secret by a stoned hippy. It's cheap, which is our only item we need to check off the list at this stage. 

The plan has been made to stay in Samui and grab a ferry over to the infamous Kho Phangnan for the Countdown party, stay for the chaotic beach invasion and bundle onto the ferry back the next morning. Then our stuff will be safe and we won't get ripped off on accommodation. Smart fuckers we are.

Until then we were going to enjoy the scenery around us (well I was) I have to say, despite the seediness about the place, I quite enjoyed as it was something different and had a bit of life to it, something we hadn't really had since Phi Phi.

Next door to where we were staying had an Irish bar, with mashed potatoes, Guinness and The Dubliners greatest hits playing in the background. Having that.

Soon enough it's turned into quite a modern styled bar with the stools taken away from the bar and a live band doing their best Evanescence covers.

B get's up to sing and get's quite a good reception as per usual. 

I sit there and drink more Guinness.

 Eventually, I get a bit fed up and rather than try a new bar, we've a big one tomorrow, have to be in the game for that one. The Dave fella has got in touch with me, he's in Samui but I can't reply to him. Bit of a shame, but what can ya do. Back to base to chill out and prepare myself for the New Years Eve countdown party. Epic.

I'll give you a clue how this ends for me;

Badly, in the best way possible.

Cheers folks.

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about."

This 2nd Khao Lak entry is literally just going to be about me fulfilling a life long dream, of about twenty minutes.....

B was staying in and I fancied a pint (you can't get pints over here, so a rum and coke would have to suffice), crossed the road and seen this heroic little gaff, sort of like a garage with a couple of bottles of spirits lying about with some plastic garden furniture, with a bloke and 2 girls sitting around smoking, with Drum and Bass in the background. I felt like I was in an episode of "Skins".

Anywho, Josh from England and Anja from Germany, with her German mate invite me to drink with them. It doesn't take me long to realize that there's a distinct lack of barmen about, I don't know if you'd even call people working here barmen, I reckon you just call them your mates, coz no one in their right mind would probably drink here if you weren't mates with the staff. 

Josh and Anja work here they tell me, they rent it for 3 months and then they're moving on to pastures greener. They seem to enjoy it. It's hardly a money making activity as I'm pretty sure in the hour I've been here Josh has drank away any profit I have given. It was late afternoon and I decided I'd go back and check in on hop'along who was not well at all. 

Got back, to the little wonderland for around 3 hours. It was boring here with not a lot going on. There's only so many trips to Mackers you can do, the little bedsit bar was calling me.....

20 minutes later I'm across the road, I walk into the bar and to my shock, it's bouncing! 

Well, there's 12 people there, but the bar can really, realistically only fit about 6.

Poor Josh is struggling to serve everyone, even telling people to "take their own beer" from the fridge and pay for it later. He is then hit with a request that brings tears to his eyes. 

"6 Margaritas please" 

He's unsure how to do them. 

This is where yours truly gets involved.

"Eh, I can make them" I suggest.....

Before I know it I'm working in a bar, again, not the kind of bar you or me are used to and it's certainly no Dublin-esque pub, but it was fun and I was decent enough at doing it, no one got spiked and glass smashing was at a minimum.

The bar made a loss but let's look on the bright side of things. 

The building was still standing, even if it's occupants were not.

Josh reveals he can't pay me for my efforts. I tell him I'm like a modern day superhero and I require no payment. I'm just about to fly off into the distance (run across the road to my guesthouse) when he introduces a bottle of Rum, we shut up the bar and get the ice out..... this could get interesting... we just need the lovely Anja back....

5 hours later, Keyless, I'm climbing over a rather large spiked gate praying to the large Mantus in the sky that I don't get impaled. Takes a good ten minutes to maneuver myself over the iron structure when out of nowhere comes the little 5 foot nothing Thai woman who owns the place and she simply pushes the gate open.... after all the dramatic situations I had found myself in over the past 3 months and to be honest, 25 years of life, that would have been an embarrassing death.... You've got to laugh.

Ko Samui is the destination next. A few days there with a new years eve countdown party in between, after that we're unsure what to do, but as you learn with traveling, it's better to make no plans as things just fall into place and with all the people I was meeting, it was hard to imagine life without knowing them. 

That was a bit soft, next up is Lamai beach, outdoor strippers and my first Guinness for 3 months. 

G'luck.

"If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough "

December 24th, 2011, it's been almost 3 months traveling. Living in the most extreme circumstances. Getting eaten alive by insects, being attacked by bats, single beds that felt so much like concrete that the floor was more comfortable, showering with cold water in buckets and being constantly sticky with sweat either from lack of air-con or else just there being no showering facilities at all.

So, arriving up to a 5 star hotel in the recently refurbished coastal town of Khao Lak, was something we were just not ready for.

Greeted by a sexy Mrs Clause with champagne for us, our bags were taken to our room by the staff. Everyone was in uniform and the place was absolutely huge. It was a lot to take in. The main attractions here was the power shower, tv, dvd player, dressing gowns AND slippers and a mini bar. Comfortable beds, room service, nice view. What more could you ask for?

A free Christmas Eve dinner/buffet/show? Wear your best clothes? Sure why not, this was awesome. Luxury I sure was not used to. It was well special, what made it really special was the fact that I had worked every Christmas day for the past 5 years (me being the gent that I am, I always volunteered to work it to give people with kids the time off, okay everyone, a collective 'awwwwwwwwwwww')

The buffet was laid out impeccably, everything you could imagine was there (except me mothers mash) and presentation was A1. Amazing food, gorgeous girls, a cracking show going on with dancers and singers, even Santa made an appearance and me good mate B. Twas marvellous.

After we went out done some sort of candle/kite wish thing, I don't remember what I wished for, probably Shels to get to next seasons final and to beat Rovers along the way?

Merry Christmas Dan.....


Christmas day, well well well. B got me a tuk-tuk model. It's my 2nd one now, I've a collection started.

My one gripe I have with this day, is as a whole, it's boring and repetitive, in that every year you have the same routine. Get up, open presents, go to relatives, come home, eat dinner, drink, bed. Snore.

Well, this year, it was the following; Get up, hot shower in a shower bigger than my bedroom back home, sun cream up, go to the beach (located outside our front door) and proceed to lie there whilst gorgeous Thai girls make us cocktails and us being us, we order hamburgers for lunch. Easily the best Christmas day I ever had.

Obviously it was a bit weird not having the familia around, so both myself and B got in touch with the folk back home to let them know how we were getting on. The only thing I can recall is my two younger brothers being quite "tired and emotional" having had a hefty one the night before, glad it wasn't me for once.


For our Christmas dinner, we had lobster! I'd never had it before, there was other stuff there too, but that was the main event, easily. We got a bottle of wine and B went on to show me proper table manners and how to woo the women by being a "gentleman". I'd be putting it to the test over the next couple of weeks.

It was a real nice Christmas day topped off by playing Jenga and connect 4 with a load of Thai people. Ringing room Service and charging it to our account was mega, until the final bill came. 4 days in this hotel we had clocked up the shocking amount of 20,000 baht. 500 Euro in real money. We put it down to just another experience for us as we surely wouldn't be doing anything like this again for a while anyway. Money was looking down south and we still had a full moon/countdown party on Kho Phangnan and the whole of January before we arrived in Australia for February.

B, again was feeling rough so instead of heading to Ko Samui straight away, we had to hold up the fort in Khao Lak, although it was back to reality in a small dingy little cave like room and Mackers was on the menu....


Ahhhhhh, normal service has resumed.......

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever" - Karl Pilkington

Krabi, part 2 was grand for the first day or two, but quickly got tiresome for me.

It was a small sea side town. Like Bray (or Blackpool if you're English) but without the cheesy amusements.

There were 4 good things of note to report from here.

1) Meeting the heroic Donny boy, a Scottish gent in his 50's doing a round the world trip.
2) Hitting Riley Beach and doing some rock climbing with an awesome New Zealand  girdle.
3) Meeting up with the Scousers (yet again) and having an awesome moment where there were 4 adult blokes on the back of a moped flying down the "motorway" with a bottle of whiskey singing "Whatever" by Oasis. Pretty awesome.
4) Met a heap of sound folk at this one little bar I became a regular at, resulting in playing Connect 4 and whooping everyone and thus putting my Tubing demons to bed. I even met a nice Galway girl, Laura, you'd swear there was a song about it, wouldn't you?

In truth, too much time was spent in this one trick town.

I got a little bit home sick here but it was quickly doused after a few calls home. First and last time I missed everyone in the Auld country.

I suppose I should talk a bit about the rock climbing. I was lying on Riley beach by myself when this lovely young lady approaches me, sits beside me and starts asking the usual questions;

How are ya? Where you from? (which she guesses herself, correctly, shocking) How long you staying for? blah blah blahhhhh....

She's actually really cool and we are chatting away for a good hour before she asks if I want to go rock climbing with her.... and who am I to say no?


My level you ask? Beginner, you say?


I'm a pro of course for the purpose of this conversation, I can't lose face here.


Rock climbing is deadly, for the little bit I done. We saw some beautiful sights and had a good laugh along the way until we get  to a point where my knee plays up.It seriously does(although don't get me wrong, I'm ferociously unfit and I ain't shying away from that) so I call it  day early. She takes my details with a view to meet up at a later date, or in Perth, where she lives, when I eventually get to Australia. Perth? Really??

Another thing off the "to-do" list :)


B has been off having  great time with a gang she met, but me? I'm bored beyond belief, it's time to move on, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, how time flies and other such cliches.

To Khao Lak with us to treat ourselves to a 5 star newly built hotel.

Sure what else would you be doing?

Another journey that will take 3 buses to get there.

Here we go again.

Short entry here but next up is ..... just all kinds of awesome.


Sssssss'later!

"When will people with iPhones realize, there is no app for loneliness?"

Heads were rough the following morning. As per usual, I had woken fairly early. This was due to the sound of my skin audibly crackling from the sunshine coming through the window. I decided to leave the hut Linda was snoring away in and try find mine now that it was daylight. It seemed to be easy enough as people had told me you could walk the entire Island in 45 minutes. Well they've never met me. 2 hours later I've given up and I'm on a couple of buckets in the Irish bar (it was the only one open) until I spot Laura and her crew and they give me directions to where I'm staying.

I get in and leave my buckets at the door, as if I was coming home from a hard days grafting and leaving my filthy work boots outside. B's not impressed at my late night excursions but I win her over by telling some hideous jokes repeatedly until she gives in.

The beach is on the cards next, technically I'd been there already the night before however this was quite a changed beach during "civilized" hours. Sunbathing, frisbee and milkshake consumption were the main activities happening here which, to be fair, I was enjoying. It was a really awesome place, not just the beach but the entire island. The girls were oiling themselves up and B was still trying to convince everyone she'd be "black" but had a lot to do to back up the statement.

Me and the Graham lad had taken a wander round taking in the views and for a moment I actually stopped and appreciated everything that was going on around me. Not having to work, in the sunshine, great people, it was all just marvellous.

Right, enough of that, now for the fun stuff.


The Irish bar, Jordan's as far as I know, was hit up again to begin the night. M150 was flying, so we're resigned to knowing this is going to be sloppy.
I find myself in a 7Eleven buying more M150 chatting with these Dublin girdles, I've invited them round to the pub but when I get there everyone has already gone. Their all in The Reggae bar.

This place is unreal. Looks like Bob Marley and Manny Pacquiao's love nest. I say this as it's doused in Reggae paraphernalia with a giant boxing or "Muay Thai" ring and everyone drinking there is eligible to fight. I want to get in as the winner gets a free bucket but no one will let due to the fact I had a head injury (from before I left Dublin, explains a lot, I know)

Step up Martin The Viking. He means serious business and as a soldier in the danish army, he means fucking business. After a bogey first round, he annihilates his opponent, poor chap. One of my funniest memories I have hands down is hi lying on the floor of the ring after the first round and sucking some whiskey bucket through a straw, getting up like Popeye on spinach and going Johnny Carthy, on the young lad who had clearly soiled himself.


To celebrate, Slinky's was hit again. I instantly lose everyone as I'm dancing on some table with a gang of girls, coz I'm a player like that, pffft. I get chatting with this girl from a place that shall not be named...... okay it's Cork. 

We end up chatting for hours before I realize what time it is and I haven't been home, again. B get's quite worried due to my child like antics that usually more often than not, get me into trouble.

I get home eventually and add to the bucket collection outside our hut. We're all good, get breakfast and go the beach again the following day, I get another massage and spend the day chilling out.

Best massage ever too.

Day becomes night, people become slobbering manics.

I end up in the company of Linda and Aoife, yet again. This time with Bernard Brogan of the Dublin GAA team and some of his mates. I tell him how much I despise the GAA as an organization and how much I love Shels. Whilst pished up. Other than that he was sound.

For the first time in Phi Phi, I lose absolutely everyone and blank out. I wake up the next morning on the bar of a drinking establishment with from my knees down soaking wet, it's not urine thank you very much but sea water and I've sand all over me. I can't help but feel I've done something stupid. I had.


I knew it was time to leave Phi-Phi when on my walk home to add to my ever growing bucket collection, where yet again I hadn't slept, everyone around having breakfast were laughing and joking and calling me "2 bucket man" or "Danny 2 buckets"

Taxi.

Next stop, Krabi again, to recover and sort our shit out before hitting Khao Lak for the Christmas.

Goodbyes were said to everyone and while everyone was all emotional, something tells me, this isn't the end for certain characters as I've found out before. Ferry and a bus ahead of us....


Same same......

"I am proof that the Darwin awards are a myth...."

Everywhere we went and everyone we met along the way assumed me and B were a couple. It was funny at first but eventually it got a bit tedious. So I should have known better when I assumed the 2 people on our bus to the port for the ferry to Phi-Phi were a couple. The Oasis loving Shaun and the beautiful Joey, both English, had just met also. That caused a lovely awkward silence, for about 8 seconds as I just can't keep my mouth shut and can talk the paint into coming down off the walls.

We're having a beer waiting for the ferry chatting away, I give the food a miss as it's crawling away from me so we get another beer instead for wheat intake. The ferry itself is probablt the best mode of transport we've taken whilst in Asia, airplanes included, which really should have worried us a lot more than it did.

B and Joey are sleeping, me and Shaun are listening to tunes and drinking some beer, pointing out the absolute knob heads posing in their XXXSmall pink tank tops with bleached hair, creatine-d to fuck, dragging their knuckles around itching for a fight.

There was quite a few, hopefully we wouldn't be seeing too much of them as I was thinking they'd more than likely get distracted by their own reflection in something like an oncoming bus.

Unfortunately, Phi-Phi has no automobiles, only push bikes or  the very odd motorbike. You can walk the entire island very handy. I was in love with it  straight away.

Laura, the scouser from Vang Vieng met us at the port, she had booked accomodation for us in the huts beside her. Shaun decided to bunk in with us and Joey went for a dorm somewhere along the strip.

The Graham fella is about with pink shorts an' all, it must be a dare!


Something quick to eat and we're out for a few buckets. I had swore blind I'd never touch another one after tubing but all of a sudden the excuses I'm using are embarrassing me even...

-It's too warm for beer (pffft)
- It's cheaper to get a bucket
-It's cheaper to get a bucket and it's buy one get one free. I have 2 hands so it makes sense....

Everyone was using "buy one take one" as they say there, to split with someone so you were basically getting a bucket half price. Not me, 2 at a time. M150 galore. In truth, I'm an idiot.


B is still feeling rough from the wine which was only the night before, it seems ages ago. We get to this bar, it's an Irish bar.

I usually hate Irish bars outside Ireland, let's face it, I've been to many a pub around my country of birth and never ever have I seen a giant leprachaun hanging out the door saying "Pog mo thoin".

That's Irish for "kiss my arse" everyone outside Ireland seems to think that's hilarious for some reason.

In danger of going on a rant here so I'll swerve and say that a lot of the gang from tubing were here. Well, The Scousers, the Vikings, the South African beauties and people who I had met briefly, Chloe and Jasmine. An awful lot of heroes here.


I find myself wandering around, lost when out of nowhere I hear that undeniable accent. Sure wasn't it only Linda and Aoife from tubing. Is everyone from that bloody place here? They're their usual selves mucking about. Aoife slagging everything that moves and Linda being too fucked to form sentences. Classy burds'!

We end up at Slinkys, it seems to be the place everyone goes after midnight.

It's a tent with a bar and a strobe light. Perfect.

I've never been a fan of beach parties or Ibiza or any of that "Shagaluf" shite, but I really enjoyed it here. Not a knob head to be found. Everyone was really really sound and drunk, oh so drunk. I find B and she still feels tired and she just doesn't seem up for it. We'd had a few beers and a few laughs earlier at the hut but it has sorta done her in. She heads back with the Shaun fella and I keep the party going.

Me, Linda and Aoife (in her patented santa hat) are having a grand auld time. Slagging people mostly.

Despite my heroics on the drinking front I manage to keep a level head, knowing what I was doing to a certain extent. The girls however are rubbished. Aoife has disappeared so me and Linda ttempt looking for her, the only problem is that Linda can't even find herself.

After convincing her she was back at her hut I walked with/carried her there and even had to open the door, this was hilarious by the way. It was then I realized I had no idea where I was. Fuck it, I was staying here for the night, I'll tackle the rest of Phi-Phi tomorrow....


Meeting more Dubliners, a Viking in a boxing ring and me and B having a mash potato eating contest in the next installment.



See yiz then.

"Playing goon pong at the Opera House? Kinda like wankin' in church, isn't it?"

There's been quite a delay since the last edition, apologies.

I'm gonna skip through Vientiane now, the only thing of note was the lads trying to rip us off when we were getting our extended Thai Visas. Luckily we were seasoned pros now and were having none of it.

Vientiane, see ya after... we were off to Krabi down south of Thailand now but first of all, we had a stop over in Bangkok for about 9 hours. Excellent.

B wants to see bloody Twilight again. Usually I'd be having none of it, but I'm tired and my bones ache so I go along with it to keep her hush. ;) What happens next is quite hilarious and saved me from having to watch a film about a young girls choice between necrophilia and beastiality.

Ching, or Chang, this sound Thai gent, over hearing us arguing about what to do for the day literally grabs us and starts directing us around the city. Floating markets on a speed boat were a highlight, even if I almost fell in the river. Never been so happy to see curtains on a boat!

We stopped for food in this little Thai garage and what d'ya know, Ching or Chang has gone and gotten us some Chang, the Red Horse of Thailand! Oh dear.....

Well one leads to ten isn't just an Irish thing it would seem. We exchange numbers with this heroic 60+ year old (even though we don't have a phone of any sort) and trod along to get our bus to Krabi. It's the only time we had been ripped off so far but feck it, ya learn from this kinda shit. It won't happen again that's for sure.

We meet an English couple of girls whose names I don't remember, Becky was one of them I think but I can't be too sure. But we buzz off them for a bit, they're off to Phi Phi though so they get their bus and they're gone. We're in Surrethani at this stage I should mention, waiting for our connecting bus. Finally get it and get dropped off in Krabi town. We find a nice place to stay in, plan is to take it ham and sleazy for our few days here then head to Phi Phi as rumor has it, a pair of Scousers are there with some other tubing buddies.

Take it easy we did, done a few boat trips, island hopping and such. Few Canadian people and one crackin' Slovak girl on it, it was good wholesome fun, which had been needed so I could show me ma I was doing more than just drinking out of plastic containers and falling over.

I think we got to see the island here that James Bond "The Man with the Golden Gun" was filmed on. Details are sketchy. One of the islands was deadly, it was a strip of sand in the sea and it disappeared at certain times during the day. Whopper.

Night markets were my favorite thing about the fairly limited Krabi. Cheap as fuck and you could see foreigners or "farang" didn't shop around here as we were getting the whole "take a photo with my baby" schpeel.


B's feeling rather down on our last night here so I done a rather nice thing if I do say so myself. I bought her a butterfly necklace ....

and 5 bottles of merlot. The most heroic part was I bought them from an underground beer baron.


5 bottles of wine later, we've invited a German couple into our room and start telling our most horrendous jokes, dunno how that happened. Beer has been introduced. Shiza!

Wake up the next morning surprisingly fresh and I'm bouncing as we're checking out to go Phi Phi, a quick trip to the port and then it's going to be a heavenly experience. My first shot at the infamous Thai islands. Yerrrah!



Next is meeting new pals and old amigos, hat-trick heroes, the Reggae bar and Slinky's...

I wuv Phi Phi!

"I had a dream about you last night, you were sitting at the side of an empty indoor Victorian style swimming pool which was being used as a train station" - Joey

It's very hard to put into words the effect that tubing had on us all. Such a simplistic idea, with such disastrous consequences. We'd gone off on our 3rd trip down the river, met more lunatics and ran into some of the same lunatics. Buckets, caterpillars, rope swings, naked bodies, general lunacy.

Most people who know me, know I'd be a pretty seasoned drinker when it comes to alcohol, but this last day I went slightly over the top (the past 4 days to be honest) They probably should have just shown clips of me tubing instead of spending millions on those "Know the one that's one too many" Diageo advertisements. In truth, I was disgraceful. Everyone was, I suppose, but I can only speak for me, and B, she was a gimp legged disaster.

I won't lie, I remember nothing else about that day tubing, except B falling off a ladder into some water and me laughing hysterically. Probably should have tried saving her. Whoops. She was alright anyway, just about.

There was a serious amount of wandering around, bull shitting to strangers and acting the maggot. Oh, I stopped another fight with the Dave fella and cut the whole bottom of my foot sticking it out the back of a moving truck. That was on the way up now that I think of it, on the way back the truck was full but this gorgeous young lady was trying to get in. Now, for those of you who don't know, I'm a gentleman, so I let her in instead of me. It was then I copped something that made it the most memorable journey ever.

A hammock.

Yes, a hammock was hanging from the inside roof. Considering this was basically the old Philippine styled jeepnies with seats either sides and nothing in the middle, except yours truly, hanging from a hammock flying down dirt tracks and talking to my imaginary dragon, it was made that bit more heroic.

More shite went down in Q-Bar and a few other shops around and eventually, for the first time in 4 days, I made it back to my hut to sleep.

They say what goes up, must come down. Well fuck me, is that the truth. I hadn't touched a drop of a bucket and after 4 hours I felt like I was being skinned alive by thousands of pencil parers. My head felt heavy as a bowling ball and like it was getting smashed with a sledgehammer. I was as weak as raped kitten.

I'm sorry about the brutal imagery, but ladies and gents, the truth hurts. Fuck me, it hurts.

Vang Vieng, the nut house of the Peoples Democratic (Laughed at) Republic of Laos, was seeing the last of us gang for now anyway.

Nicky was off to a full moon party in Ko Phangnan, Thailand, Graham and Laura were off to Phi Phi, The Jock and Andrew were hitting Cambodia and the Vikings disappeared into thin air. Everyone else we'd met along the way were gone before we could say goodbye.


So, now the long, long, oh so long journey to Vientiane. It's supposed to be a stop over but we're gonna have to get an extension on our Thai Visas so going by Laos time, we could be there a week. Lovely, a little 14 seater, I wonder how many they'll fit on this?

It's a proper shite ride back but I expected nothing less. I was a bucket of Lego, in bloody bits.

Got chatting with this Canadian on the way back. Mallory was her name. She was well pretty and dead sound too. It helped to have someone to talk to through this horrid time as B was well sick of my mug at this stage.

We decided to grab a triple room to cut the cost. It was dire. Worked out at 3 euros each a night so couldn't give out too much and I wouldn't have if I wasn't having the worst come down of my life. Fecking M150 stuff is dangerous, at one stage I thought I was dying. My life flashed before my eyes. I've had so many awful haircuts....

Anyway, I couldn't even eat my mashed potato, I hadn't had any since I left Dublin and I couldn't eat it. It's like the goblins in my head were taking the piss, making me think I wanted it, then laughing. Kind of the way kids play "keep away" with the quiet kid in school.

Things go a bit weird here, so bear with me.

There's 3 beds I'm in the middle, B is to my left and Mallory is to my right. I'm proper losing the plot, but I'm trying to keep a cool head in front of the girdles. I'm sweating buckets ( pun intended) and having serious withdrawals. Next thing I know, I'm playing "Connect 4" in my head, against myself, and losing. That's the worst part as I'm the Connect 4 master, well I was.... confusing...

B is climbing the walls thinking shes a cocker spaniel or something, I think she's caught rabies from too much kissing frogs coz she's foaming at the mouth. I'm too concerned with my own situation though. I start playing "Gas Panic" by my boys Oasis, in my head to help me through it. Worked before in Bratislava when I was seriously hungover but this was a whole new kettle of epileptic fish.....


I wake up in one of those mini spaz attacks, when you think you've been running and you fall off the Golden Gate bridge or that. I'm sweating I look around, then, I near shit meself.

I've got no clothes on, and I'm lying in Mallory's bed but get this, no Mallory.....

Oh dear.

Seems I've thrown my clothes out the window. I don't know why I'm in the other bed though, I have my theories, mostly to do with her already being gone and wanting to get away from my sweaty sheets.


Anyway, I'm still in a bundle, it's easily the worst I've ever felt, since the time I climbed Kinabalu, poxy mountains. Seriously though, it's a stinker, it isn't a hangover, it's an experience!

I have to get out for a walk, there's construction work going on here and I have enough drilling in my head without adding this to it....

Vientiane is the most boring capital city in the world. They don't even have a Mc Donalds which brings to an end my run of Mackers in foreign countries, it was 12 by the way.

I'm strolling around looking for about 6 lengths of rope when wouldn't ya know it,

"There's Dave" sitting there shootin' the breeze. Normality, a little normality.

It's at this point I realize my finger has gone septic. Damn you Dave.

I have to think quick, I've got a window of time to fix it, which was 4 days ago.

I splash out of antiseptic hand rubs and literally squirt the whole contents onto this little pinky finger (can you still call it the pinky if it's the color of a badly bruised Kermit the Frog?) Now to play the waiting game....

I'll fly through Vientiane and getting the Visas 'n that in the next edition, after that we go back to Thailand, in particular, Krabi via Bangkok.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. 

“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”

People tend to eat 3-4 times a day. It's sort of the unwritten, general rule. When tubing, I think I ate once in 4 days. Bottled water was replaced with whiskey in buckets with the gorgeous M150 substance that was sending me over the edge with each gulp. Another day, another bout of drinking down the river.

More glow paint, ridiculous dancing (to that bloody "Americano" tune every hour) and eating bugs out of rum bottles, seriously though, where do you draw the line? It's about 2 hours into the session before I have a glance at my finger as somethings up with it, sort of like when you've cut yourself but you don't realize until you sting it off salty crisps or that, and it's gone bloody green! Not quite Hulk green but a pale green, like a ripe banana green if you will. The main problem is, I suppose, the fact it has gone green. As someone who has worked in healthcare for over 5 years, I probably should have seen that coming. Wading in water that looks like something out of "Swamp Thing" without even as much as a plaster on an open wound was a bad move in hindsight. Bandaging it up when it was already green was like painting the walls of a house that's had its roof taken off from a hurricane.

Enough about my finger, for now. This day tubing went a bit off schedule. Me and B had lost the gang. Nicky and The Jock had gone off together to a bar that had really enjoyed. The Viking boys and Graham the   Mickey Mouser were doing the swing jumps (where we seen some lad plummet to his eventual death, pretty horrible to be fair) Laura had gone cave exploring and given tubing a swerve. Me, B and Andrew kept on trucking. It was getting fairly messy.

Ah there's Dave....

The Rascal from Rossie was sitting off getting stuck into a bucket, this is the Irish fella who helped me stop some Italian lad getting a right round house kicking from a Thai gentleman the night previous. We got talking and had a few drinks talking about the Auld country.

Andrew has me and B on our sides from laughing so hard, can't remember a thing that he said, but it was all golden. He was the Karl Pilkington of the group, definitely.

The girls from the night before, Aoife and Linda appear next, jaysus you run into everyone here, it's the kinda shite you leave home to get away from. I used to hate popping to the local shop for a litre of milk and running into half your road. The older crowd would keep you talking for ages too. Maybe that's why I always used to run in for a quick pint, to avoid them.

Hung around with the girls for a bit and then kept going. No fear I'd run into them again... they really are nut cases.

Every bar we hit, we made new friends, well, drinking buddies. Everyone was just up for getting wrecked. It made we wonder why we were doing such damage to our bodies. Surely if your liver could talk it'd be seriously pissed off with you and as for your kidneys, they'd be wanting overtime for all the extra work they'd have to do.

It was getting dark, so tubing for this day was reaching an end, which meant one thing. You keep going until it's bright again. The vicious circle keeps on turning. Q-bar again in the basic rags talking pure mule to everyone. As for the dancing, the less said, the better. Actually I was alright, don't mind what B says, I'm gifted in the nether regions. I'm talking about my feet of course.... well big feet, big hands, ehh??


I've lost B, we'd been getting on great having a hilarious day, but we'd had a disagreement about something, like how many ducks you could fit in a washing machine or something intense like that and next thing she was gone. So I done what any self respecting friend would do in the same situation.

That's right, I ordered myself 2 buckets. I can look and drink, it's fine. I run into the girls again, and we go on a hunt for my bikini clad, limping chum with a head like Side show Bob. Can't be too many of them around.


Long story short, next thing I know, it's bright and we're still at the Sunset Bar. I have no idea how that happened as I don't even remember getting there.

I get back to the Hut and sure enough, Misses Magoo is sleeping there. I had the key so I dunno how that worked. Oh, right, she's got the lock broken off, I guess I'm paying for that. I leave her to sleep with a plan to fetch some breakfast.

Ahh there's Dave on a hammock. He's staying at our huts. Breakfast will have to wait as we're having a beer in the morning sun watching kids bathe in the river. Sounds very wrong as I type it but it was just something you don't see every day. There may have been girls in the water too. Older girls with woman bits an all so it's not that weird. I don't care actually, if you were there, you'd have looked too.

The finger has began to excrete puss. Alarm bells? Nah, it'll be grand. We've got another day left of tubing sure.

Next is our final day of tubing, serious M150 come downs, Picasso paintings, the journey to Vientiane and one freaked out Canadian Girl who I may have freaked out.


Look after yizzerselves.

"The romance went out of the relationship when she slapped on a restraining order"

The first night in Vang Vieng went according to plan. In that I didn't die. Somehow.

"2 bucket Danny" was a name catching on after just one night. These objects I had been over served with used to be a child's play thing for the beach. They are supposed to come with spades, not straws!

I woke up the next day in a hammock. When I say woke up, I mean by the time I got back to the hut, it was bright, I had no keys and fancied a lie down, didn't quite sleep however. Back up and off for some breakfast with the troops who arrive back to base in drips and drabs.

Everyone is getting stuck into some food but the thought of that makes me feel vile, so me and Martin, one half of  Team Viking get some whiskey into us. Everyone bar B is shocked, these guys are about to see something special....

We're all set for tubing, it's our first day and everyone is buzzing. I have absolutely nothing with me bar 100,000 kip (10 euro), a Shels jersey, flip flops, shorts and a smile. By the end of the day I will have lost everything. True story.

We get a tuk tuk together to the start of the river, we all have our tubes and we arrive at the starting bar, it's Q-Bar, and all the staff from the previous night are there..... awh here come the flashbacks....



I don't believe I have explained the concept of tubing actually... There is a 4km stretch of river (it's 4 or 6, I'm not arsed researching, you do it) that has bars built up either side of it up on decking and makeshift stone. You get your tube (or the inside of a tractor tire) and float down with staff from every bar throwing you a line to pull you into their bar. Each bar has a different theme to it so there's something for everyone. It gets sloppy as anything I've ever seen but the majority of the people are sound fuckers, so no knob ends that you'd get on your standard 2 weeks in Ibiza or that.


Sitting on the main deck of the first bar, 2 buckets and all the gang sitting around in the sun was immense. Then the markers came out. Graham, the Scouse Tranmere Rovers fan thought he was in with this young lady, he asked for her number so she wrote it on his back;

1800- Get Fucked.

Laughed at.

Between glow paint being introduced to eating insects out of  rum bottles it all got a bit hairy. I'm not a fan of getting in the water at the best of times but especially when pished. However, I've been living on the edge the past 2 months, feck it I'm going to the next bar without my tube as the gentleman that I am, I have given it to Nicky and Laura to use. What a cock up that was. I get to a certain point in the river and lose my footing, so yes, I go under. Maybe it was the few whiskeys or maybe it was just the carefree attitude I have, but even with the current, I don't panic. A 7up bottle appears in front of me and I grab it. One of the fellas working the bar, not wanting to lose his most valuable customer to the depths of the flowing tide pulls me in to safety. I get up, blow my nose and get 2 buckets in. I can get used to this.


Andrew and The Jock are in flying form with their back and forth jokes.... I actually can't stop laughing at these pair... next it turns a bit hairy.


It's bar number 5 I think. This bar has everything from illicit substances to babies lighting cigarettes for customers on the bar. They also have Oasis playing. Lads.

I'm at the bar, standard. Getting 2 buckets, standard. Next I hear a commotion with a gang grouped around a person obviously. I've just been handed a joint by a 2 year old child for buying 2 buckets. I'm freaked out and a little disturbed but no time to concentrate on that as me auld buddy is the person on the deck. I see the damage and instantly think "leg break".

Her cartilage and skin has taken a wallop and basically ended up around her knee cap. It's hideous. People are vomiting. They're all gathered around her and no one knows what to do. I clear the floor and pretty much shove it all back down, massaging it with ice. It takes 10 minutes or so but eventually it looks decent enough. It was a bit of a buzz kill and I notice someone has stolen my flip flops. You do a good deed and......


Anyway we keep going with these buckets getting more and more delicious. Before I know it, my jersey is gone. i'm in a pair of shorts now, with literally nothing else to my name, steady on girls.


The end of the first night of tubing ends where the night begins. B is in a right wreck so goes to stay with one of the lads, coz I've lost the key. She's smashed and wouldn't make it out anyway, but that's not stopping me I'm out back to Q-Bar and instantly lose everyone. While I'm there I run into 2 girls. Both from Leixlip in Ireland. Linda and Aoife, 2 absolute head cases. The three of us hang around together for the rest of the night talking absolute shite (mostly from Aoife) and get kicked out of the Sunset bar (mostly thanks to Linda) At some point in the night a Thai guy has  a fight with a gang of lads for calling him "Laos". I jump in to stop it ( coz I'm massive ) and low and behold, another guy helps me. His name is Dave and afterwards we get talking although I have no idea what was said (more from this guy later, this was just an introduction...)

I can't really remember what happened after this but before I know it, it's day again and the girls are heading off to sleep, we organize to meet later tubing. I don't know how as I don't own footwear, let alone a mobile phone. I've fallen at some point and ended up under a table, proper slicing my finger open, there's blood but a bit of tissue around it, it's fine. I'm more concerned about how I fell under a table to be honest.

Part 2 of tubing is about to commence, I'm still smashed,everyone is still smashed, can the first day be topped? Too fooking right it can.


Watch this space.

After......

"I'm sorry, I can't talk, I'm in a helicopter, eating leopard"

To kill the rest of the day before leaving for Vang Vieng, B won a bet so we took in that (in my opinion) over the top "love story", Twilight film. In fairness, If a bloke acted like that with any of you wimmin' you'd have a restraining order on them. Anyway, Vang Vieng.....


So we leave Chiang Mai about 5pm, it's our favorite little buses that sit 14 people, but no one inside. Were we the luckiest people in South East Asia?

Before we can start to plan our wonderful space, leg room and sleep patterns, it's quashed when the bus drives 2 minutes up the road and fills it in one go. Shiza. Well, it can't be too bad because after 30 minutes we stop to change bus, ahhhh a bigger bus, nicely.

Nah, same size bus, so now we're just being hassled into moving all our stuff from one to another. The most pointless exercise I've partaken in since Algebra. It's the stand out journey of the now 10 months or so I've been away (so far) it was atrocious. I'll try picture it for you. 14 of us with all our luggage absolutely squashed in together, my legs are numb from lack of circulation and I've a creak in my neck. I'm trying to sleep but every time I nod off even a little it's like the driver is an evil goblin cackling away as he pulls into a petrol station, every single time he sees one, turns on the lights and opens the doors. Everyone is proper bulling. We don't even attempt to talk to anyone, well except the American girl who had her jewelry stolen from her bag. jewelry. stolen. backpacking. Christ they don't do themselves any favors, do they?


13 or so hours of literal hell is followed by a brief release when we hit the border. I have never been so happy in my life. There's a couple of people standing around who we get chatting to before the next bus comes along. It's a 52 seated bus. I'm welling up with excitement. On the bus we get chatting away, there's 2 Danish fellas Simon and Martin, they shall be known from here on out as the "Vikings". Martin was a fucking nutcase. More about them guys later.... next, enter The Jock, or, Mark from Edinburgh, Thor the lightning God, from Colorado and Andrew, who for me not only sounded like Stephen Merchant but was actually as funny if not funnier than him. This group so far is looking well.

20 minutes to sort out for visas turns into roughly 90 minutes when they mix up the dates on every ones passports after already stamping them. Ahhh Laos an hour in and you remind me of the Philippines as the saying here is apparently "you'll get there, on Laos time". Never a truer word spoken.


Back on the road and into Vientiane's main street for a pick up. Here we get another bunch of characters. Two South African beauties named Alex and Bianca, a Scottish lassie named Nicky and a pair of Scousers, Graham and Laura. The team is looking shit hot right now.

Now, if you thought the first leg of the journey was bad... you would be wrong, it was worse than bad, it was poison, but this next few hours were going to be a right experience.....


1) We hit a puppy.

2) We knocked a woman off her motorbike, who typically, had her small child on it with her. Helmets? Nahhhh.

3) We smacked into the back of a jeep or the side of a jeep, I was too busy consoling Nicky and B. (By consoling I was telling them the seat belts weren't there for protection, but to identify our bodies easier.)

4) We burned out the engine. The next 2-3 hours we were sitting on the bus while the driver and 2 lads who had just appeared decided to pour water on it to cool it down. In fairness looking back, it was good as it helped us all get to know each other better. At the time, I was gumming for a beer. Right, engine sorted, let's go....

Even when we arrive in Vang Vieng, we're not where we want to be, so we need tuk tuks. Will this bloody journey ever end?

Yes. We're here. Holy shitballs, this place looks like the wild wild west. All it's missing is saloon doors and thumbleweed. Oh there's thumbleweed, it's just the saloon doors so.

"The Other side bungalows" is where we were staying after a 10 minute look around. Cheap as you like, free whiskey. Yerrrah. Its 5pm by the time we get our stuff sorted. That's 24 hours traveling on the nose. 8 hours my arse.

Everyone gets showered and sorted and we meet back up to go for food. Everyone is getting on swimmingly and we decide the beer is ok, but after that journey, something a little bit stronger wouldn't go amiss.


Q-bar looks decent so we go there. There we see everyone arriving back from tubing, off their minds. Glow paint, head bands, no shoes is the dress code here it seems. But there is one item that I instantly fall in love with.

Everyone is drinking from buckets... (yes this is where the blog title comes from....) Before I know it I'm drinking 2 at a time (this is a regular happening from here on out) The buckets can have whatever you want in them, I've gone with standard Sang Som whiskey and sprite with a delicious ingredient known as M150. Little did I know the stuff is illegal and fucks big time with your head. I like to compare it to if Red Bull done an amphetamine flavor. 2 per day is the warning apparently, not 2 per round, which is what I was doing.


You know it's going to end badly, but how badly is the question?


And we haven't even done one day of tubing yet.




Next is Tubing and all that goes with it, including severed fingers and severed legs and severed minds.

Until next time.

I want to just say congrats to my best mate Moggy and his lovely wife as they're getting married tomorrow morning. The buckets are on me.

"This had alright packaging, but blank pages...."

After spending the previous day with my head almost permanently joined to the toilet bowl I was starting to feel back to myself again and was ready to take on whatever Chiang Mai had to offer. First things first we decided to go visit the most famous temple of CM. It was a good 2 hour drive so we rented some bikes so we could catch the whopper scenery on the way up. Pascal, Sean, Clare, myself and B all traveled up corteo    style catching sound waterfalls and amazing views en route.

The temple itself was really impressive, I was of the "you've seen one, you've seen them all" attitude but this was good in fairness. There's photos of them up on 'The Book, so feel free to have a butchers hook at them.

On the way back, we had a mini crash into a ditch but I was fine, it's hard to kill a bad thing, and I'm rotten. We indulged in a fine cuisine beside this lake, it was your standard lake but fuck it, it was in Chiang Mai! After that we trekked back down the mountain towards home, I've just realized I never mentioned it was up a mountain, poxy mountains!!!!

The traffic system there is quite weird, one because they have a traffic system and two because it's all one way streets and that. Very confusing. So, yeah, we got lost a couple of times on the way back. Just keep going left was my contribution to the discussion of how we get home. It's a belief and a fact I have lived by for quite some time and as the biggest wanderer of the group I felt my opinion should be heard. Low and behold, I was right. Not to rub it in or anything and I want to be the bigger man, but fuck it, I told yiz so!

Back in Junior House at last! Me and B decide that it's time to do something adventurous so we book some elephant trekking. At the guest house they recommend "Woody's elephant trekking" as they look after the elephants, treating them as family, with no harnesses, saddles or any restraints. We're doing that first thing in the morning.

Pascal decides to join us and we head off at 8am. There's only 8 people allowed at a time per day so we're lucky to be involved. An Argentinian couple, a Welsh/Polish combo, Me, B, Pascal and a lovely Swedish girl named Karin find ourselves learning Thai to speak to the elephants in. after hunting for some bamboo, pineapples and bananas,we're all set.

Our elephant is obviously the black sheep of their family as he's a right little messer. We have a few attempts at getting on their back and it's going quite well, they give you their leg and hoist you up with their trunk. Its really something I'll never forget being up on an elephants head walking around, the reason you come away is to do things you couldn't do in rainy, grey Dublin. There's also a fantastic video of our mennis of an elephant going off the beaten track pulling down full trees and being rather cheeky in general. The funniest part isn't the Thai guy's ridiculous commentary or the elephant pounding through the river, but rather B saying to the camera "hey we're on an elephant".... Really?   *headslap*

In a rare break from being lazy, I've left the link to some of the photos of the day, just so you can get a proper feel for it.

http://www.woodyelephanttraining.com/blog/photo-gallery/?album=20111130


Best day I'd had I think.

Myself, B Pascal, the Welsh and Polish couple and Karin all went for drinks afterwards. A great one was had but, as usual, me and B took that step further where we ended up at 4 in the morning singing and dancing around our room.

Needless to say, B is hanging like Saddam the next day, so I'm on call for the day. I decide to smarten myself up a bit, have a shave and get a haircut.

 Bad idea.

A epileptic person with Parkinson's would have done a better job. No photos of this thankfully. At least it only cost the same as a 10 penny bag.

I decide, as the gentleman, to be nice and get a Mackers for herself. I get our usual order and head for a tuk-tuk to get home in. There's only one there and a couple of guys are in front of me. Again as the gent, I allow them to get in ahead of me. Straight away another comes along so it's not too bad. Then, something happens that makes my life flash before my eyes (Christ have I had some bad haircuts)

The tuk-tuk I would have been in, get's absolutely smashed in by a jeep and the two guys go flying out onto the road. My driver ignores this and keeps going. I'm in shock. How in the name of Jaysus do I keep avoiding near death? Got to keep on keeping on.


We're leaving Chiang Mai tomorrow evening to go tubing in Vang Vieng, Laos. It's going to be 8 hours *cough, lie, cough* on a mini bus to Vientiane on the border and then into bandit county.


The next installment is literally going to be absolute chaos and for the first time, I may have to edit it a bit.....



Psych!

This Blog has no editing but does have a health warning, especially this next one. Viewer discretion is advised folks. ;)

This is for my favourite Manchester red head, sorry for the delay!!


Call me maybe?

"It could have been worse, you could have no legs and been beaten up by a girl..."

Twas a pleasant surprise meeting a fellow Irish person for our journey up to Chiang Mai. Clare, a Mayo lassie was travelling with Sean her boyfriend from Engerlund. Pascal, a gent of a Frenchman was sitting across from them and we all hit it off immediately. B and Clare were waffling away while me, Sean and Pascal rambled on about random nonsense you just can't talk to girls about. Taking into account we were both half rubbered to begin the train trip, it made it a lot easier to say yes when the beer lady came around. Chang after Chang went down and it wasn't long before Mr. Security guard is telling us to keep it down, it's after 2 in the morning, it seemed like about an hour yet it was a good 6.

I don't remember getting to bed but I wake the next morning, the girls are laughing away and it's piercing my skull. Sean and Clare have booked into a Guest House called "The Junior House" and are getting picked up by one of the staff. They tell me, B and Pascal to join them. The guy picking them up is called Jeff, and what an absolute hero he is. 5 of us, rucksacks and all arrive to his 5 seater Mitsubishi. He's so nice he tells us all to just get in. It's a tad cramped, just a tad, we've obviously been around a bit so we're used to this mode of transport, even if it is concentration camp-esque. 

Junior House is absolute gold. Every member of staff are over the top nice, not in a "give me some money" kind of nice, but would crack a beer and sit beside you chatting away. They gave us a 20 minute run around of the city and where to go, where not to go and to book anything through them as they wouldn't charge the surcharge  that most places do. Heroes.

We set ourselves up, shower and go out for a stroll and find a place to eat. The food is tops, some sort of spicy chicken and pork with the traditional rice and ice tea. There's apparently an awful lot to do in Chiang Mai yet we're on a tight schedule. 4 days is the max we can spend as after this we're travelling up north into the unknown country of Laos. We didn't really have a strict schedule and it constantly changed but all we needed to do was be in Khao Lak for Christmas. It's around the 28th November during our time in CM. Elephant trekking and general sight seeing are the "musts" here. There's a beautiful temple on top of a mountain that overlooks the whole of CM, so it's planned that we'll do this tomorrow.

Disaster strikes.

In the 2 months we'd been away B's stomach was like a washing machine, she was constantly spewing, it became an inside joke for us, but hey, that's Asia for you. I had been perfect really except for a brief spell in Cavite and Alona, mostly coz I had eaten too much though I'd say. But now I had fallen victim. I'm blaming the pad thai and spring rolls I ate that morning in Bangkok. Rough as sandpaper I am, so B goes out with the others general sight seeing while I keep the toilet company for the morning, afternoon and evening. Hitting the mountain view was put on ice 'til the following day. We also booked the elephant trekking for the day after, CM was quickly becoming a nice chill out zone and despite the fact I was throwing up every half hour, I was loving it.

Next installment is about bad haircuts, Woody and his sisters and near death experiences...

Take care!

"Thank you Super Nintendo Chalmers..."

We had never been on a sleeper train, so this was exciting. We both had lower bunks and neither of us had a clue how these seats were supposed to resemble beds. We got chatting with a pair of English lads, one was a Geordie, 'Boro fan and the other a Cockney Spurs fan, nice to meet people supporting their local clubs. They were sound although we never got their names. The Cockney had lived in Thailand, Ko Tao for the past few years and was just on a Visa run and on his way back home. We were having great laughs and finding out about Bangkok from him but B got a bit annoyed when the conversation descended into talking about our 3 local clubs, it was inevitable. 

No idea about the time at this but we eventually get the security fella to set up our beds and we go for a bit of a kip. One of the best sleeps I've had I must say. We are up, around 11 or 12am arriving into Bangkok, that had been flooded apparently the week before we arrived and you could see the damage that had been done, outside the city was destroyed with people sleeping on the roof of their houses and getting around in little canoe  styled tin shoe boxes. 

The whole time we had been away, we were taking turns withdrawing money. I'd go the first time and we'd both live off it until it was gone, then B would go, and so forth. It was my turn now. Thai Baht seemed to be fairly similar to the Peso in Philippines at 40 Baht to the Euro. Withdrawal made, let's get to Khoasan Road! The place to be in Bangkok for foreigners or 'Falang' as they call us.

We grab a Tuk-tuk, it's a tricycle except there's no car on the side, its at the back, bit more comfortable and safe.... kiiiiinda is....

We haggle with him because that's what you do there and we arrive at our destination about 15 minutes later. It's basically Grafton Street in Dublin with high buildings, thousands of people from every country you can think of with bars, pubs, clubs and food shops everywhere. There is also a big bunch of clothes stalls with knock offs   for next to nothing. I need new clothes as everything I have come away with has shrunk or been forever stained in blood and grease. For once, B goes for a beer while I go looking for a place to stay. The first place I find, I book. The Siam Oriental, it's 400 Baht per night for a Double bed, air con and hot shower. That's 10 Euro per night, or 5 Euro each really. 2 nights please. Ding ding!

We have a Thai curry and a couple of beers followed by purchasing some new clothes. She's off buying bikinis or whatever and I get a handful of Lacoste, Fred Perry and Ralph Lauren polo's, I look respectable again.

The first night on the Khaosan gets a little messy as we get on the Chang from early and we both wake up the next day not having a clue what had happened. There's a carton of Pad Thai and spring rolls in the corner, breakfast!!

Mc Donalds is hit, so I can cross this off my list of countries I've eaten it in. On the way back a lovely little Thai man in a Tuk-tuk says he will bring us around the city for 10Baht. Big mistake.

We're floating about just laughing at everything, I am in awe as I really thought I was going to hate Thailand but I have no problem sticking my hands up, this place is great. To be honest, I didn't really mind that he brought us to every suit shop and travel agent there was, because he actually brought us to some beautiful temples and a high castle type thing that looked out over the whole of Bangkok. Really nice.

We fake that B has a headache and unless he brings us back he ain't getting any dosh so of course before we know it we're back having a beer, getting hassled to buy suits, go on another tuk tuk adventure or have a massage.....

Hmmm.... massage doesn't sound too bad.

It's the weirdest experience ever, unfortunately they think we're a couple, so I get some hefty bloke cracking my neck and back, I had a beer though, so not the worst. 

We get this mad fish experience where you stick your feet into the water and you have all these fish eat the dead skin off you. B's face is hilarious for this, photos to follow.

More beer is consumed at the top of this rooftop bar, known infamously as "The Roof", little did I know of the amazing nights I would have up here over the next 2 + months, in time, don't worry. They have a saying in Thailand, "Same Same, but different" and it was true here again as another night, another wake up without having a clue what was going on the following morning. Hazy isn't the word as we pack up to check out, we're heading for Chiang Mai up the very north of Thailand. Beers that have been found in the room are packed into respective rucksacks, new clothes are packed away and we're off, only one problem, it's 10am and our night train isn't until 7.30pm. 

We're walking about, B is calling for the cinema to watch this Twilight business but I'm having none of it. The Secret and now this in the space of a week? You may as well put me in a dress. On our walk about, we meet this heroic Thai man, probably in his mid to late 60's but as nimble as a 30 year old. He brings us around on the bus to the main markets and then we take a long boat down the middle of the river dividing Bangkok in two. It's amazing, he finds out we're Irish so he insists on bringing us for a beer and who are we to say no?

We're both half cut by the time we arrive for the train and I'm all ready for my bed. I'm down taking out my sleeping bag when a girl tips her head around from the seat in front. I go with my patented "Alright?" with head nod, and she replies..... "Hey are you Irish?" 

Next I'll talk about meeting Sean, Clare and Pascal, Junior House and the first couple of days in Chiang Mai.

Have a good weekend!

Only in the Chili-pines....

The less said about Kuala Lumpur, the better. Jumped off the flight and had a wander but it was pretty crappy, even though we had only spent one night there, it didn't really live up to the expectations I had before I left beautiful Dublin. We were up early so an early one was had and we went to catch the first of two trains that would take a total of 38 hours to arrive in Bangkok. Whopper.

13 hours on the first train to Butterworth playing solitare with a load of kids standing around staring as if we were shooting up on gear or something. There's not a lot left to say about the journey, the train resembles the DART (Dublin Area Rapid Transit for the foreign readers) mainly due to the fact it's falling apart, has green seats and smells of pish.

Just when you think things cannot get worse, we arrive in Butterworth. The name doesn't really describe the place that well. It sounds like a place full of Grandfathers treats, but instead was THE most boring place I have ever had the displeasure of visiting. Nobody spoke to each other around the place and when we got to the "hotel" we were staying in, I wanted to top meself. Easily the worst place we had stayed in seven and a half weeks floating around. It was soul destroying. Cockroaches, cold water and no lights weren't the problem, it was the fact they didn't have a pub or even a "bottleshop" (sorry it's what they call it here in upsidedownland)
as well as having nowhere, literally nowhere within walking distance for food, every single shop was closed and we could count the dead dogs we met on the walk around.  Fuck-ing awful. I actually am struggling to put it int words..... AAARGGGGHHH!!!!

So thankfully we woke up the next day and I have never been so thankful to get out of this disaster of a place.

I've just realized how dreadful this entry has been, but it's not all bad, because it brought me back down to earth a bit and made me thankful about how great it had been so far and how lucky I had been, also thought about everyone back home who couldn't go do what I had just done for whatever reason and also, made me happy for what lay ahead, as I thought of certain people (one in particular) who would never ever get the chance to do this so I was going to make the most of it, for both of us.

So, I laughed off the previous few days, got on the 11am train set for Bangkok Thailand, cracked a Singha beer and laughed again...


Next stop, Khosan Road, Bangkok. The lunacy begins here.

"You fill up my sense, like a gallon of Maggot...."

We jump aboard a bus for Sandakan, a 4 hour or so (you can never really tell on these fellas) journey. I'm eyeing up some of the gems on board and getting slaps off B for being a "sleaze". They weren't even that great anyway and hadn't a word of English. Ahh here's our stop.

Wrong, we're just getting off to buy some spicy chicken feet and take a pish into this here hole they're calling a toilet. It's one of the most annoying journey's I've been on, it's so bad I decide to start reading "The Secret". Don't slag me, actually shag off I don't care, you weren't on this bus. Don't judge.

The funny thing is, alot of things about Malaysia/Borneo annoyed me, the plan had been to spend a full month here but we were already missing the Philippinas and it was a general concensus that this wouldn't reach the dizzying heights that the seven thousand plus islands to the east had done for us.

The money, Ringit, was a load of rubbish, with four Ringit to the Euro, it wasn't great value at all.

Off the bus and a quick taxi ride to the harbour before we were back temporary house hunting, we found a spot we thought was quite good and it was, except we priced it wrong and it was in fact, quite expensive. Cack.

They don't drink round these parts and all the wimmin' are covered head to toe like teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, everythings quite expensive and people are really really rude. Can't say I'm warming to this place. We sit in the first night watching awful tv after booking a trip down the Kinabatangan River and see some caves n' that. Should be fun.

A heroic Chinese woman brings us around in her jeep the following day to go cave hunting. It's sound as fook, there's people that sleep there to stop savages robbing eggs and larva and selling them. It's about 100 metres high, maybe more. We need a flash light to get around, what is it about Borneo with flash lights for everything?

Good laugh in the caves but we're heading to the river now. But not before we meet some of them Orange.U.Tans hopping around after robbing food from some chaps gaff.

We get a speed boat out to this little island jobbie for food. It's boring as fook. We're so hungry we have everything eaten in 20 minutes and now we've to spend 3 hours sitting around looking at each others ugly mush.

Eventually we get onto the river and it's all worth it. As far as I can remember, we see 6 different types of monkey and 120,000* different birds and lizards and a whopper crocodile swimming around, he was a little bitch though and wouldn't come near us, I must have flexed.

After we'd finished our jungle river trip, it was back home to our humble abode for the next 2 days via a cafe for a green curry.

6 bottles of Tiger beer sitting on the floor while we planned out our next adventure. It was decided in plain light, after this, we didn't need to waste anymore time here, Thailand awaited. We organised a flight from Sandakan airport to Kuala Lumpur after an overnight stay, to train it up to Thailand.

The fun has just begun folks.

* Not exact number

Next installment is about being bored in KL, being bored on a train and the most boring place in the history of anywhere; Butterworth.

But then we get to Thailand :D

A shite joke to leave yiz with;

Ghost walks into a bar, says to barman "Rum and coke there chief"

Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits"


This is dedicated to my mate Joe whose gone back home to watch Sheffield United in the play-off final.

Miss ya fella, up the Blades!

"Japan is too expensive, shall we just go to O'Malleys instead?"

It's never pleasant being awoken from a deep sleep, especially when you're waking up to climb this never ending poxy mountain. I can hear the rain pounding outside, this should be interesting.

We assemble downstairs in all our gear. Ponchos, my Shels jersey, a jacket I've borrowed off a Geordie, my Oasis hat and a flash light wrapped around my head. Sorted. Mr Miyagi is nowhere to be found though. Oh wait, he's outside smoking, never mind.

Rain is pouring down as we try climb uphill, several times I questioned why I was doing this, surely it was easier to Google images of the place and slap them on the Brendan Gracebook and pretend I was there. Either way, we'd come this far we may aswell keep going.

I hit the deck a couple of times, despite the Sambas holding up well the mud was just too much at times. Around an hour of uphill struggling, we arrived at a flat surface wall with a rope hanging from it, I'm assuming we have to climb this, ah shite.

We've already seen two people falling from a height and sliding down at force to the bottom, they're still alive, but visibly shaken. I just go for it. Miyagi is scaling it in sandals with no rope and, of course, a smoke. There was a very very small piece of rock jutting out that we had to use to walk across and then up, believe me, it was quite difficult.

I can't be entirely sure but I think it maybe took about another hour or so, yet we eventually made it in time to see the sun rising above the clouds. An amazing sight. Really one of the moments I'll always remember, even if someone erased the heroic video I took!

Took a good while to take in what we were seeing, we were at the highest point in the whole of South East Asia.

But that's enough of that, we had to make it back down and after 15 minutes of enjoying what we were seeing I eventually came to terms with the fact going down was going to be a whole lot tougher.

It was. On the way down, I went and dislocated my knee. I spent the next 500 metres trying to pop it back in, it was not pleasant at all. I eventually get it popped back in a Km before we hit the end and just before them horrible steps we met on the way up, thank jaysus I got that sorted.

Miyagi is in top form, cracking jokes on the way down, inbetween cigarettes, despite the fact that none of us are laughing at them. It just doesn't seem to end and at one point I remember swearing to never go near a poxy mountain again. Feck it, I'm never going up a set of stairs again, escalators and bungalows is it for me.

One of the best moments of my life is finally reaching the bottom. I have tears of joy in my eyes.

There's a slight problem in that we have nowhere to stay for the night. Fear not, the guys recommend a place around the corner from the poxy mountain. We walk (shuffle) to the place, legs dragging behind us, rucksacks crushing our backs, eventually we see the guest house.... ahhh shiza....


It's 100 steps down.....


I hate mountains....




Next installment is about the journey to Sandakan, over priced cereal and crocodile hunting.

Same Nam time, same Nam channel....

A Crazy little thing called Chili Blue.......

"It'll be great" she says, "Jason has done it before, he loved it"......


Those are the words from B that I kept hearing in my head going up this poxy mountain. After 30 minutes I was Donald Ducked. Continuous climbing uphill, my poor Sambas were getting a proper workout. B ain't fairing too well. Me and James are keeping a steady pace chatting away about football, mainly Shelbourne and his boys, Hull City. That was quite enjoyable but probably the only enjoyable thing for the next 8 hours. We're stopping every half hour to try collect ourselves and mainly to ponder why we had taken on this death mountain. The only thing getting me through it was pretending I was Indiana Jones.

In all honesty most of the journey has turned into a blur, apart from a heap of steps that looked like they would never end, Going down them later should prove difficult. Special mention to Mr Miyagi, walking up in sandals, and umbrella and a cigarette, which is constantly super imposed to his hand.

We entertain ourselves by chatting about stupid things we've done in our pasts and while this conversation is mostly in relation to me, one part stands out the most and it was actually only as recent as Angeles City.

B: Dan, I've just been onto Ann Marie on Facebook and she said we've to visit this rare breed of monkey

Me: Go on....

B: It's called the Orange.you.tan (I have purposely spelt it this way as that is how she pronounced it.)

Me: You mean the Orang-u-tan?

I'll stop there as the conversation went worse from there when even after me explaining she still went psycho at me. How dare I insult her sisters :)

Eventually, when I say that, I mean a couple of hours later, the penny drops with her.

It's an awful lot funnier when you say it out loud and I love telling it.

Did you really think I'd forgotten?? Really????



Anyway, we get to a section of this poxy mountain that looks we've hit a 1960' desert. It's sand and stone everywhere it looks like nothing I've seen before.

Just thinking about typing the journey up is making me exhausted and my legs feel like rubber.

It's never ending, so it seems, no, it just is......

We make it 3/4 of the way up with the final 1/4 being the hardest apparently. So we stop overnight in dorms. It's around 5pm and we're proper wrecked like never before.

Cold showers and some Malaysian cuisine is enjoyed before bed at 7.

I am proper dreading getting up at 1.30am to do the rest of this as I can hear the rain belting down. I'm starting to wish I had bought boots as my Sambas are crying in the corner with fear of tomorrow.

Oh well, see how many injuries I get in the next installment, Cheers fockers.

''Alright, Calm down Lisa ''Left Eye'' Lopez...."

Apologies for that. I want to dedicate this Blog entry to Room 208, it'll make sense in time.


The very PG rated visit to Angeles was turned X-rated when matey boy here mixed up our flight times so we ended up in the airport in Clarke 9 hours before we were supposed to. Clarke is in the back arse of nowhere, it was an old airbase for the Yankees back in the day. B is on an absolute mentaller so I steer clear for a while.

This was bringing an end to our 6 weeks in the Phillies. 6 weeks of Tricycles, jeepneys, crazy Philippino people   who drive on the wrong side of the road, no traffic lights, eating rice 8 times a day, TAGAY-ing, sound beaches, getting blurry on Red Horse, pesos, jungles and just pure mayhem.

The best 6 weeks of my life was had in these manic 7,100 islands. I really recommend this place to anyone. Unreal. But now we were moving on, next stop Kota Kinabalu, Borneo, Malaysia. This was a place I've always wanted to visit although I hear the drinking laws are strict enough, this may cause problems, although at the end of the day it can't do any harm. So the plan is to stay off it.....

PSYCH!!!


Our first place we get to is run by a little old woman who freaks at me when I walk in with my shoes on. Word of advice, don't walk in with your shoes on.

After my scolding we go to sleep in our box with the plan of attempting Mt. Kinabalu the following day. Kinabalu is supposedly the highest peak in South East Asia. Sure you can't go all the way here and not do it.


We get up early, shower on the garden balcony with a hose and head for the poxy mountain.


Where are my sunglasses?

Shiza.

We meet a top Yankee enroute named Kate, a Boston native. She's going to join us and while we're at the foot of this beast we meet Rachel and James, from Engurlund. A proper posse now.

The only thing was missing was a heroic guide and this was solved when we're introduced to our fella. Think Mr Miyagi from the Karate kid, meets Splinter from the Turtles. He's a wise lad who's 3 foot nothing with a proper taste for the fags. Fun times ahead.



Next up is Poxy mountains, poxy mountains and poxy mountains.



I'm off now to sort my life out, g'luck!

Fancy a Goon spoon?

You could smell the seediness in the air as we pulled into Angeles "Sin"City. Guest Relation Officers, a posh was of saying brazzers are everywhere, as are the old balding men who couldn't get up on a bunk bed. We hit it off fantastic with the place we book into. It's fancy as fook and it's for next to nothing.

I'd been here the year before and it's not really a place for young wimmin to be. I just remember telling everyone I played for Shelbourne, was a member of Oasis or I was a brain surgeon. Drinking champagne, smoking cigars and eating (pretending to eat) caviar.

None of that happened this time around though. B is proper freaked at what's going on around us so we keep it handy and use the time to skype home and catch up with people, I go for a few walk abouts to take in the wonderful scenery, it's really nice. And before yiz get on your high horse, I'm 25, I'm not an old man and I was only looking. I never give out to you girdles for window shopping, do I?


I've actually got a phone call from back home, so I'm going to cut this short for a few hours. Back in a while.......

Can't stop the Jock.....

Vigan is one of my favourite places I've seen, just for the old Spanish styled buildings and horses and cart's everywhere. I felt like I was an extra in a Zorro film. The people were over the top friendly too. Sound skins.

So we head out walking with no real idea where we were going or what we wanted to do, not the best idea in 30+ degree heat with no sun cream on, but when in the Phillies.....

A 2 hour stroll leads us to the "beach". It was the sea with about 7 rocks. We really enjoyed it though, nice and relaxing and we still hadn't touched a beer since Alona. Got a tricycle back to the village we were staying in and just pottered around, it was so laid back, just lovely. We decided to dip into the culture and get a horse and cart around the town and done a few typical activities, like, pottery, quiet gardens and ringing bell towers. We almost helped a monkey escape his cage too, if I ever go back there, I'll do it. Although knowing me, I'll free him and he'd get eaten by a hawk or something as soon as he tastes freedom!

That's pretty much it for Vigan, it was a chill out spot more than anything. The plan now was to start heading back down south as at the moment, we are at the very tip of the north. It's coach time again. Destination; Baguio, the highest spot in the Philippines. Now I've no idea how high up we are, but the bus broke down twice trying to get up there and we end up over the clouds. Fantastic sight I must say. The 7 hour bus journey has us wrecked, an absolute gent who's name I can't remember brings us to this lovely, newly built hotel. it's fantastic, except, the staff can't speak English and have no idea how to run the place. Think an Asian Fawlty Towers and you've got it in one. Several times B was showering and the power went off, so she's standing in the room, covered in soap while the staff are trying to fix the heater. Absolute gold watching them run around while B is freaking out.

One day, went out for the day, horse riding. Sh-eeee-ite was it scary.

My horse looked like Lisbeth Salander, with a mohawk and a mean personality. He starts cantering or galloping (whatever ya call it) around and muggins here is on the back with no helmet (sorry ma) running around the streets of Baguio not able to stop. B is sauntering round like the Queen on a summers day. I survived that and in doing so used up one of my numerous lives I seem to have. We went and seen an actual Mummy, all mummified an' that. Deadly.

My favourite day in Baguio was the day I had a large lasagne and garlic bread for breakfast, chicken adobo and rice a few hours later, then a Thai green curry and on the way home from the restaurant got another large lasagne and garlic bread and 12 Dunkin' Donuts and a few boxes of pringles. I'm so fat it's great.


I should mention, I have the look of a man who is well travelled, with very long hair and a pathetic attempt at a beard.

Time for a beer? Yes.

Out in this really nice bar on a strip called "session road" you couldn't make it up.

I'm running out of time here so I've got to skip on a bit but we end up sitting with these Philippino gangsters. I had no clue, chatting away to them as if they were my best mates getting annoyed that B kept kicking my leg. I thought she had a problem with her knee.

I'm a bit well on so I don't really remember how we done it, but combined we managed to talk our way out of this interesting predicament and keep on trucking down Session Road.

The next morning it was down to my favourite Super hero cafe for a large lasagne....


After Baguio we were hitting a place called Angeles City, infamous for it's sex industry, clubs and drugs. It's an OAP's playground.

B is sceptical. I can't wait.

That's all for today folks, I'm off to the pub.

"Sure, you could talk that into coming down"

We're waiting for our flight in Tagbilaran airport and to my surprise, they have live entertainment, only in the Philippines aye? Two blokes and a girdle singing playing guitar cool as you like in their shades smiling away. I thought they were really good and was a tad upset to board the flight because I was really enjoying the performance.

The flight itself was your average near death experience. We landed in Manila with no intention of hanging around as we were running out of time in the Phillies. I think we're four weeks here at this stage so we're heading for Olongapo up north of Manila. An absolute gent gets on the bus selling Dunkin' Donuts so without thinking twice I've bought them from him and I'm tucking into a dozen Bavarian Creams. B is on her 'diet', but no one can turn down one of these beauts down, especially on a 6 hour bus journey. 'The Hulk' is being shown but it's the rubbish one with the fella who looks like a leprechaun, it will do however. In typical Philippino style, they stop it halfway through and start showing some Phillie soap opera. The acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Arrive to Olongapo around 10pm and find a busy street called Maysaysay drive. We book into a small place for 3 nights. We're going to Subic tomorrow, to the Zoobic safari. Yerrrrah!


A slight side step here; The four weeks we've been on the road, it has been nice to get into a place, slap on some tv and relax for a bit. However, tv here goes for ad breaks every 5-8 minutes. They show the same 3-4 ads each time. For the older readers, you may remember Betty White from the "Golden Girls", well she's a star again. Every 5minutes we were reminded on this. "Noooooooobody knows......" It became a proper inside joke for the two of us for pretty much the rest of the travels and even now... (considering I'm still away)


The safari was animal, pun intended. We got our photos taken with baby tigers, visited averies and a crocodile farm. I even got to feed crocs with chicken on a fishing rod and then a couple of chaps who lived in the mountains came down in animal skin covering their nether regions and danced around for a bit with sticks. We boarded a jeep and went around the field with tigers in it. The bloke beside me has chicken hanging of the side and on the roof and we're surrounded by all these amber and black fellas jumping on the roof and clawing the side of the jeep. Excellent stuff altogether.

After that, we went to a Marine park. Dolphin and seal shows galore. That was pretty cool too. Especially knowing that there are dolphins and seals smarter than most of my mates. Special note to the volunteer who tried to be smart and messed up completley and slid into the water. I could talk all day about it but you know my style by now.

SUBWAY!!!

I've missed those sandwiches, they always remind me of my good mate Niamhie Campbell. As we sit enjoying this rare treat, I notice it's October 31st, Hallowe'en, yet they have Christmas trees up everywhere. I suppose it's ok when you live in a country with no rules, laws or traditions!


Olongapo/Subic, it was nice knowing you, but now we have to leave, we're going north again, to Vigan. As far as I know it's the oldest Philippino village. It's reminiscent of a 17th century Spanish town, with cobblestones and horse and cart is the main mode of transport. I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this.

I'm edgy however as Shels are in the season closer, the FAI Cup final in Landsdowne Road in Dublin against a bunch of Boggers and farmers from Sligo. The thought of me missing it because I'm trapped on a twelve hour bus journey isn't the most enjoyable experience. I'm distracted for a moment by the homeless chap robbing the curtains on the bus.


We arrive in Vigan and it's 11pm, we always get to places at stupid hours and grab the first place we find usually. We get into a place called Grandpas Inn and it's like staying in your Grannies or Grandas place if they lived on the Iberian peninsula. I don't take in too much of the surroundings as I have to catch this match on RTE online.

After going 1-0 up, my favourite ref reduces the Reds to 10 men and Sligo equalise. We hold out 10 v 12, basically, til penalties and eventually the wooly backs win it on penalties. So so proud of my Shelbourne. Heroes in Red. Regardless of the result.


Now I have no more distractions, tomorrow, we're going exploring Vigan.



Next up is wandering aimlessly, Baguio and partying with gangsters.

I almost forgot to say, remember the chaps singing? Yeah they were blind. Everyone had copped it, except me. I thought they were all smiling at me too. Pfffft.

Anyways.....

See yiz after!

"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

First off, apologies for the lack of blogging lately, blame Bill Gates.

Moving on from my last entry, which was a sentimental chapter for me, we were heading for Alona beach known around Bohol as the "mini Boracay". So, the place where we broke bones, slept rough and had a bit of an incident with fire and water, we were going back to a smaller version of this. I had a feeling the results would be the same, just a lot more noticable.

We got to the beach and B goes off looking for a place to stay, while I hold up the bar with a rum and coke, I wanted a Malibu, just to be cultural with the palm trees and coconuts falling everywhere.

*Random fact - More people are killed by falling coconuts then they are by getting hit by cars.

A place has been found, apparently it's a new place so they charge us fairly cheap for a decent room, it's a double bed with tv and a shower. Western toilet, nicely.

B says that the Aussie lads at the bar which is part of where we are staying, have been taking the pish out of her and despite the fact I had said I was going on the dry I sat at the bar, because it was a bar alright..... and I like company......feck off I sat there cos I wanted a beer, I regret nothing.

The owner of the bar and a ridiculously drunk Aussie chap are in attendance making snide remarks about being from Ireland, they were so bad I can't actually recall them, but I'm guessing "Thurty three and a thurd" and some mologion about Boyzone was mentioned. I knocked the ball out of the park by requesting the Aussie national anthem "Rolf Harris - 2 Little boys". It seemed they enjoyed a bit of slagging back. Game on.

They were actually really sound and I have my first bar tab opened. It seems to be a local for single men or chaps who have shacked up with Philippino girls, they're all really sound. The owner, I think it's Glenn but B reckons it's Ken, was sound as a bell and was constantly drinking everyday, my kind of bar owner. Gerry was his lunatic bar fly that worked with explosives in Perth and was on his holidays. It goes without saying I never seen him sober once in 4 days. He seemed like he didn't like us at all at first, but he was broken down eventually. Stephan was a Kraut who looked very similar to Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Brian was an Aussie from Brisbane who sounded like Crocodile Dundee so straight away had my respect.

It's 5 hours later, a burger has been consumed so ultimately we feel as though we have another 5 hours in us instantly. We never leave the bar and alot of whiskey is consumed. B is dancing on the bar with no music and 4 drunk lads, 2 of whom are falling asleep and I'm being serenaded by some Philippino who can sing but just doesn't know the words, so they're humming in harmony. Christ I'm drunk. Bed time.



The following day, herself is hanging. I go for breakfast, your standard San Miguel and watch the Melbourne Cup. The day, you could say, was wasted as all I done with my day, was sit at the bar drinking and laughing. If you read that sentence again, you'll realise I wasted nothing. A great day was had.

Next day we went Dolphin watching and to a few islands 'n that. Good wholesome fun, getting up at 5am to see it, wasn't. We hit the bar again for farewell drinks with the lads who had kept us well entertained for the last 4 days (I realise I've left out a day somewhere, blame the whiskey and the tap water) We cracked Gerry from his hard exterior and found out he was really a top bloke, and B punched one of Stephans mates in a Freaky European bar while I chatted away about Rory Gallagher to a load of Belgians.

All in all Alona was sound, no broken bones, some sore heads and some free beer coolers that I may have taken from the establishment. Shhhhhhh......


Next up is a flight from Tagbilaran up to Manila again and from there we were heading to Olongapo and Subic. I had been to Subic for a day the year before on my holidays and knew they had an tiger safari, I wanted to do this!!!

The next installement is on Christmas trees in October, 3 blind mice and Good old Betty White from the "Golden Girls"



Again, sorry about the delay hopefully back up and running now, See yiz fuckers (For you Steph)

It's all about the disappointment.....

Usually my Blog titles have nothing to do with the actual drivel I write about, but this one does. I'm going to change it up a bit and take the majority of this section to talk about my beloved Shelbourne Football Club, who I left behind when I departed for South East Asia. You see for most people, all they have to leave behind is a career, a bunch of mates or in some cases, their wives. For me, I was leaving behind the thing I love most in this world (along with my mother goose and my papo, I'll get in trouble if don't add them in) 

It's not just about the typical "lads going to watch the football down the boozer in your replicas" with us. Oh no. supporting your local club, being apart of the highs and lows and actually being there to witness it makes you so much more involved.You share a connection with these other people who you may share no common interest with, apart from Shels, and you grow closer as mates than people you knew your whole life. It's a culture. It's waking up Friday morning and thinking "YES". It's waking up Saturday morning, itching for Friday to do it all over again. Home games in Tolka Park, meeting up with all the lads, some of whom you haven't seen since the week, sometimes two, previous, having a pint and strolling up t the floodlights and turnstiles,an undescribable buzz you feel. The carnage of away days, hiring a bus or getting the train, where applicable, with your mates Talking nonsense with quality tunes in the background and the comfort of a few cans. Last minute winners, cult heroes making last ditch tackles, beating Rovers. Amazing feelings nothing can top.

So, being away from all this, just as The Auld Reds had reached their pinnacle after 5 years of life in the nether regions of Irish football was incredibly hard to take, especially since no one understood what I was going through. Cup final place secured and on the brink of promotion to the Premier division. Bitter sweet isn't the word.

We arrived to Tagbilaran, booked in and set up camp in our minature sized room. It doesn't have grasshoppers or Flying foxes, so I'm content. What they do have however are giant rats running around in the roof directly above our heads. Nightmare. The noise being made, I was certain that these were coming through the roof. When I asked the staff about it, I was met with laughter and something in Tagalog. 

A cat is introduced to the mix, in the roof. Proper session going on up there now. I'm so thankful I don't have a hangover. I go out, a lot of food is purchased. An awful lot. 

Two 16 inch pizzas

Two dozen Dunkin' Donuts

6 cans of Coke (3 Diet for Mrs Magoo)

2 kebabs

Ferrero Roche

2 tubes of Sour Cream Pringles 

Suffering really badly for the next hour and to my horror I realize it's an "Alcohol free stay"

Shiza.

The Reds are playing Finn Harps to try secure promotion tonight, I'm not there. I will need beer for this.

I sneak back with a few tipples (Rum and coke) plug in the laptop and sit up to watch 11 heroes in Red hopefully get back to the big time. 

I wake B, 5 times, during the night. Once for each goal and the final whistle with my shouting. 

4-0 Shels' 

She ain't happy, I am so consumed with utter joy I don't even cop she's plotting my downfall once I stop jumping around. 

But who cares?? 

SHELBOURNE ARE BACK!!

When the were demoted back in 2007, it started a horrible downward spiral for me with one thing after another going wrong, personally and professionally. 

Knowing we had made the return back, it was as if all the demons following me, disappeared. I had woken from a 5 year nightmare. Life is good, life is great. 

The saying for years has always been "The Auld Reds - It's all about the disappointment"

While it was still true for me, the only reason I was disappointed, is because I wasn't there to see it.

This one's for the lads back home. 

Keep the flag Flyin'

1895.

FTA.