"I had a dream about you last night, you were sitting at the side of an empty indoor Victorian style swimming pool which was being used as a train station" - Joey

It's very hard to put into words the effect that tubing had on us all. Such a simplistic idea, with such disastrous consequences. We'd gone off on our 3rd trip down the river, met more lunatics and ran into some of the same lunatics. Buckets, caterpillars, rope swings, naked bodies, general lunacy.

Most people who know me, know I'd be a pretty seasoned drinker when it comes to alcohol, but this last day I went slightly over the top (the past 4 days to be honest) They probably should have just shown clips of me tubing instead of spending millions on those "Know the one that's one too many" Diageo advertisements. In truth, I was disgraceful. Everyone was, I suppose, but I can only speak for me, and B, she was a gimp legged disaster.

I won't lie, I remember nothing else about that day tubing, except B falling off a ladder into some water and me laughing hysterically. Probably should have tried saving her. Whoops. She was alright anyway, just about.

There was a serious amount of wandering around, bull shitting to strangers and acting the maggot. Oh, I stopped another fight with the Dave fella and cut the whole bottom of my foot sticking it out the back of a moving truck. That was on the way up now that I think of it, on the way back the truck was full but this gorgeous young lady was trying to get in. Now, for those of you who don't know, I'm a gentleman, so I let her in instead of me. It was then I copped something that made it the most memorable journey ever.

A hammock.

Yes, a hammock was hanging from the inside roof. Considering this was basically the old Philippine styled jeepnies with seats either sides and nothing in the middle, except yours truly, hanging from a hammock flying down dirt tracks and talking to my imaginary dragon, it was made that bit more heroic.

More shite went down in Q-Bar and a few other shops around and eventually, for the first time in 4 days, I made it back to my hut to sleep.

They say what goes up, must come down. Well fuck me, is that the truth. I hadn't touched a drop of a bucket and after 4 hours I felt like I was being skinned alive by thousands of pencil parers. My head felt heavy as a bowling ball and like it was getting smashed with a sledgehammer. I was as weak as raped kitten.

I'm sorry about the brutal imagery, but ladies and gents, the truth hurts. Fuck me, it hurts.

Vang Vieng, the nut house of the Peoples Democratic (Laughed at) Republic of Laos, was seeing the last of us gang for now anyway.

Nicky was off to a full moon party in Ko Phangnan, Thailand, Graham and Laura were off to Phi Phi, The Jock and Andrew were hitting Cambodia and the Vikings disappeared into thin air. Everyone else we'd met along the way were gone before we could say goodbye.


So, now the long, long, oh so long journey to Vientiane. It's supposed to be a stop over but we're gonna have to get an extension on our Thai Visas so going by Laos time, we could be there a week. Lovely, a little 14 seater, I wonder how many they'll fit on this?

It's a proper shite ride back but I expected nothing less. I was a bucket of Lego, in bloody bits.

Got chatting with this Canadian on the way back. Mallory was her name. She was well pretty and dead sound too. It helped to have someone to talk to through this horrid time as B was well sick of my mug at this stage.

We decided to grab a triple room to cut the cost. It was dire. Worked out at 3 euros each a night so couldn't give out too much and I wouldn't have if I wasn't having the worst come down of my life. Fecking M150 stuff is dangerous, at one stage I thought I was dying. My life flashed before my eyes. I've had so many awful haircuts....

Anyway, I couldn't even eat my mashed potato, I hadn't had any since I left Dublin and I couldn't eat it. It's like the goblins in my head were taking the piss, making me think I wanted it, then laughing. Kind of the way kids play "keep away" with the quiet kid in school.

Things go a bit weird here, so bear with me.

There's 3 beds I'm in the middle, B is to my left and Mallory is to my right. I'm proper losing the plot, but I'm trying to keep a cool head in front of the girdles. I'm sweating buckets ( pun intended) and having serious withdrawals. Next thing I know, I'm playing "Connect 4" in my head, against myself, and losing. That's the worst part as I'm the Connect 4 master, well I was.... confusing...

B is climbing the walls thinking shes a cocker spaniel or something, I think she's caught rabies from too much kissing frogs coz she's foaming at the mouth. I'm too concerned with my own situation though. I start playing "Gas Panic" by my boys Oasis, in my head to help me through it. Worked before in Bratislava when I was seriously hungover but this was a whole new kettle of epileptic fish.....


I wake up in one of those mini spaz attacks, when you think you've been running and you fall off the Golden Gate bridge or that. I'm sweating I look around, then, I near shit meself.

I've got no clothes on, and I'm lying in Mallory's bed but get this, no Mallory.....

Oh dear.

Seems I've thrown my clothes out the window. I don't know why I'm in the other bed though, I have my theories, mostly to do with her already being gone and wanting to get away from my sweaty sheets.


Anyway, I'm still in a bundle, it's easily the worst I've ever felt, since the time I climbed Kinabalu, poxy mountains. Seriously though, it's a stinker, it isn't a hangover, it's an experience!

I have to get out for a walk, there's construction work going on here and I have enough drilling in my head without adding this to it....

Vientiane is the most boring capital city in the world. They don't even have a Mc Donalds which brings to an end my run of Mackers in foreign countries, it was 12 by the way.

I'm strolling around looking for about 6 lengths of rope when wouldn't ya know it,

"There's Dave" sitting there shootin' the breeze. Normality, a little normality.

It's at this point I realize my finger has gone septic. Damn you Dave.

I have to think quick, I've got a window of time to fix it, which was 4 days ago.

I splash out of antiseptic hand rubs and literally squirt the whole contents onto this little pinky finger (can you still call it the pinky if it's the color of a badly bruised Kermit the Frog?) Now to play the waiting game....

I'll fly through Vientiane and getting the Visas 'n that in the next edition, after that we go back to Thailand, in particular, Krabi via Bangkok.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. 

“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”

People tend to eat 3-4 times a day. It's sort of the unwritten, general rule. When tubing, I think I ate once in 4 days. Bottled water was replaced with whiskey in buckets with the gorgeous M150 substance that was sending me over the edge with each gulp. Another day, another bout of drinking down the river.

More glow paint, ridiculous dancing (to that bloody "Americano" tune every hour) and eating bugs out of rum bottles, seriously though, where do you draw the line? It's about 2 hours into the session before I have a glance at my finger as somethings up with it, sort of like when you've cut yourself but you don't realize until you sting it off salty crisps or that, and it's gone bloody green! Not quite Hulk green but a pale green, like a ripe banana green if you will. The main problem is, I suppose, the fact it has gone green. As someone who has worked in healthcare for over 5 years, I probably should have seen that coming. Wading in water that looks like something out of "Swamp Thing" without even as much as a plaster on an open wound was a bad move in hindsight. Bandaging it up when it was already green was like painting the walls of a house that's had its roof taken off from a hurricane.

Enough about my finger, for now. This day tubing went a bit off schedule. Me and B had lost the gang. Nicky and The Jock had gone off together to a bar that had really enjoyed. The Viking boys and Graham the   Mickey Mouser were doing the swing jumps (where we seen some lad plummet to his eventual death, pretty horrible to be fair) Laura had gone cave exploring and given tubing a swerve. Me, B and Andrew kept on trucking. It was getting fairly messy.

Ah there's Dave....

The Rascal from Rossie was sitting off getting stuck into a bucket, this is the Irish fella who helped me stop some Italian lad getting a right round house kicking from a Thai gentleman the night previous. We got talking and had a few drinks talking about the Auld country.

Andrew has me and B on our sides from laughing so hard, can't remember a thing that he said, but it was all golden. He was the Karl Pilkington of the group, definitely.

The girls from the night before, Aoife and Linda appear next, jaysus you run into everyone here, it's the kinda shite you leave home to get away from. I used to hate popping to the local shop for a litre of milk and running into half your road. The older crowd would keep you talking for ages too. Maybe that's why I always used to run in for a quick pint, to avoid them.

Hung around with the girls for a bit and then kept going. No fear I'd run into them again... they really are nut cases.

Every bar we hit, we made new friends, well, drinking buddies. Everyone was just up for getting wrecked. It made we wonder why we were doing such damage to our bodies. Surely if your liver could talk it'd be seriously pissed off with you and as for your kidneys, they'd be wanting overtime for all the extra work they'd have to do.

It was getting dark, so tubing for this day was reaching an end, which meant one thing. You keep going until it's bright again. The vicious circle keeps on turning. Q-bar again in the basic rags talking pure mule to everyone. As for the dancing, the less said, the better. Actually I was alright, don't mind what B says, I'm gifted in the nether regions. I'm talking about my feet of course.... well big feet, big hands, ehh??


I've lost B, we'd been getting on great having a hilarious day, but we'd had a disagreement about something, like how many ducks you could fit in a washing machine or something intense like that and next thing she was gone. So I done what any self respecting friend would do in the same situation.

That's right, I ordered myself 2 buckets. I can look and drink, it's fine. I run into the girls again, and we go on a hunt for my bikini clad, limping chum with a head like Side show Bob. Can't be too many of them around.


Long story short, next thing I know, it's bright and we're still at the Sunset Bar. I have no idea how that happened as I don't even remember getting there.

I get back to the Hut and sure enough, Misses Magoo is sleeping there. I had the key so I dunno how that worked. Oh, right, she's got the lock broken off, I guess I'm paying for that. I leave her to sleep with a plan to fetch some breakfast.

Ahh there's Dave on a hammock. He's staying at our huts. Breakfast will have to wait as we're having a beer in the morning sun watching kids bathe in the river. Sounds very wrong as I type it but it was just something you don't see every day. There may have been girls in the water too. Older girls with woman bits an all so it's not that weird. I don't care actually, if you were there, you'd have looked too.

The finger has began to excrete puss. Alarm bells? Nah, it'll be grand. We've got another day left of tubing sure.

Next is our final day of tubing, serious M150 come downs, Picasso paintings, the journey to Vientiane and one freaked out Canadian Girl who I may have freaked out.


Look after yizzerselves.

"The romance went out of the relationship when she slapped on a restraining order"

The first night in Vang Vieng went according to plan. In that I didn't die. Somehow.

"2 bucket Danny" was a name catching on after just one night. These objects I had been over served with used to be a child's play thing for the beach. They are supposed to come with spades, not straws!

I woke up the next day in a hammock. When I say woke up, I mean by the time I got back to the hut, it was bright, I had no keys and fancied a lie down, didn't quite sleep however. Back up and off for some breakfast with the troops who arrive back to base in drips and drabs.

Everyone is getting stuck into some food but the thought of that makes me feel vile, so me and Martin, one half of  Team Viking get some whiskey into us. Everyone bar B is shocked, these guys are about to see something special....

We're all set for tubing, it's our first day and everyone is buzzing. I have absolutely nothing with me bar 100,000 kip (10 euro), a Shels jersey, flip flops, shorts and a smile. By the end of the day I will have lost everything. True story.

We get a tuk tuk together to the start of the river, we all have our tubes and we arrive at the starting bar, it's Q-Bar, and all the staff from the previous night are there..... awh here come the flashbacks....



I don't believe I have explained the concept of tubing actually... There is a 4km stretch of river (it's 4 or 6, I'm not arsed researching, you do it) that has bars built up either side of it up on decking and makeshift stone. You get your tube (or the inside of a tractor tire) and float down with staff from every bar throwing you a line to pull you into their bar. Each bar has a different theme to it so there's something for everyone. It gets sloppy as anything I've ever seen but the majority of the people are sound fuckers, so no knob ends that you'd get on your standard 2 weeks in Ibiza or that.


Sitting on the main deck of the first bar, 2 buckets and all the gang sitting around in the sun was immense. Then the markers came out. Graham, the Scouse Tranmere Rovers fan thought he was in with this young lady, he asked for her number so she wrote it on his back;

1800- Get Fucked.

Laughed at.

Between glow paint being introduced to eating insects out of  rum bottles it all got a bit hairy. I'm not a fan of getting in the water at the best of times but especially when pished. However, I've been living on the edge the past 2 months, feck it I'm going to the next bar without my tube as the gentleman that I am, I have given it to Nicky and Laura to use. What a cock up that was. I get to a certain point in the river and lose my footing, so yes, I go under. Maybe it was the few whiskeys or maybe it was just the carefree attitude I have, but even with the current, I don't panic. A 7up bottle appears in front of me and I grab it. One of the fellas working the bar, not wanting to lose his most valuable customer to the depths of the flowing tide pulls me in to safety. I get up, blow my nose and get 2 buckets in. I can get used to this.


Andrew and The Jock are in flying form with their back and forth jokes.... I actually can't stop laughing at these pair... next it turns a bit hairy.


It's bar number 5 I think. This bar has everything from illicit substances to babies lighting cigarettes for customers on the bar. They also have Oasis playing. Lads.

I'm at the bar, standard. Getting 2 buckets, standard. Next I hear a commotion with a gang grouped around a person obviously. I've just been handed a joint by a 2 year old child for buying 2 buckets. I'm freaked out and a little disturbed but no time to concentrate on that as me auld buddy is the person on the deck. I see the damage and instantly think "leg break".

Her cartilage and skin has taken a wallop and basically ended up around her knee cap. It's hideous. People are vomiting. They're all gathered around her and no one knows what to do. I clear the floor and pretty much shove it all back down, massaging it with ice. It takes 10 minutes or so but eventually it looks decent enough. It was a bit of a buzz kill and I notice someone has stolen my flip flops. You do a good deed and......


Anyway we keep going with these buckets getting more and more delicious. Before I know it, my jersey is gone. i'm in a pair of shorts now, with literally nothing else to my name, steady on girls.


The end of the first night of tubing ends where the night begins. B is in a right wreck so goes to stay with one of the lads, coz I've lost the key. She's smashed and wouldn't make it out anyway, but that's not stopping me I'm out back to Q-Bar and instantly lose everyone. While I'm there I run into 2 girls. Both from Leixlip in Ireland. Linda and Aoife, 2 absolute head cases. The three of us hang around together for the rest of the night talking absolute shite (mostly from Aoife) and get kicked out of the Sunset bar (mostly thanks to Linda) At some point in the night a Thai guy has  a fight with a gang of lads for calling him "Laos". I jump in to stop it ( coz I'm massive ) and low and behold, another guy helps me. His name is Dave and afterwards we get talking although I have no idea what was said (more from this guy later, this was just an introduction...)

I can't really remember what happened after this but before I know it, it's day again and the girls are heading off to sleep, we organize to meet later tubing. I don't know how as I don't own footwear, let alone a mobile phone. I've fallen at some point and ended up under a table, proper slicing my finger open, there's blood but a bit of tissue around it, it's fine. I'm more concerned about how I fell under a table to be honest.

Part 2 of tubing is about to commence, I'm still smashed,everyone is still smashed, can the first day be topped? Too fooking right it can.


Watch this space.

After......