A Crazy little thing called Chili Blue.......

"It'll be great" she says, "Jason has done it before, he loved it"......


Those are the words from B that I kept hearing in my head going up this poxy mountain. After 30 minutes I was Donald Ducked. Continuous climbing uphill, my poor Sambas were getting a proper workout. B ain't fairing too well. Me and James are keeping a steady pace chatting away about football, mainly Shelbourne and his boys, Hull City. That was quite enjoyable but probably the only enjoyable thing for the next 8 hours. We're stopping every half hour to try collect ourselves and mainly to ponder why we had taken on this death mountain. The only thing getting me through it was pretending I was Indiana Jones.

In all honesty most of the journey has turned into a blur, apart from a heap of steps that looked like they would never end, Going down them later should prove difficult. Special mention to Mr Miyagi, walking up in sandals, and umbrella and a cigarette, which is constantly super imposed to his hand.

We entertain ourselves by chatting about stupid things we've done in our pasts and while this conversation is mostly in relation to me, one part stands out the most and it was actually only as recent as Angeles City.

B: Dan, I've just been onto Ann Marie on Facebook and she said we've to visit this rare breed of monkey

Me: Go on....

B: It's called the Orange.you.tan (I have purposely spelt it this way as that is how she pronounced it.)

Me: You mean the Orang-u-tan?

I'll stop there as the conversation went worse from there when even after me explaining she still went psycho at me. How dare I insult her sisters :)

Eventually, when I say that, I mean a couple of hours later, the penny drops with her.

It's an awful lot funnier when you say it out loud and I love telling it.

Did you really think I'd forgotten?? Really????



Anyway, we get to a section of this poxy mountain that looks we've hit a 1960' desert. It's sand and stone everywhere it looks like nothing I've seen before.

Just thinking about typing the journey up is making me exhausted and my legs feel like rubber.

It's never ending, so it seems, no, it just is......

We make it 3/4 of the way up with the final 1/4 being the hardest apparently. So we stop overnight in dorms. It's around 5pm and we're proper wrecked like never before.

Cold showers and some Malaysian cuisine is enjoyed before bed at 7.

I am proper dreading getting up at 1.30am to do the rest of this as I can hear the rain belting down. I'm starting to wish I had bought boots as my Sambas are crying in the corner with fear of tomorrow.

Oh well, see how many injuries I get in the next installment, Cheers fockers.

''Alright, Calm down Lisa ''Left Eye'' Lopez...."

Apologies for that. I want to dedicate this Blog entry to Room 208, it'll make sense in time.


The very PG rated visit to Angeles was turned X-rated when matey boy here mixed up our flight times so we ended up in the airport in Clarke 9 hours before we were supposed to. Clarke is in the back arse of nowhere, it was an old airbase for the Yankees back in the day. B is on an absolute mentaller so I steer clear for a while.

This was bringing an end to our 6 weeks in the Phillies. 6 weeks of Tricycles, jeepneys, crazy Philippino people   who drive on the wrong side of the road, no traffic lights, eating rice 8 times a day, TAGAY-ing, sound beaches, getting blurry on Red Horse, pesos, jungles and just pure mayhem.

The best 6 weeks of my life was had in these manic 7,100 islands. I really recommend this place to anyone. Unreal. But now we were moving on, next stop Kota Kinabalu, Borneo, Malaysia. This was a place I've always wanted to visit although I hear the drinking laws are strict enough, this may cause problems, although at the end of the day it can't do any harm. So the plan is to stay off it.....

PSYCH!!!


Our first place we get to is run by a little old woman who freaks at me when I walk in with my shoes on. Word of advice, don't walk in with your shoes on.

After my scolding we go to sleep in our box with the plan of attempting Mt. Kinabalu the following day. Kinabalu is supposedly the highest peak in South East Asia. Sure you can't go all the way here and not do it.


We get up early, shower on the garden balcony with a hose and head for the poxy mountain.


Where are my sunglasses?

Shiza.

We meet a top Yankee enroute named Kate, a Boston native. She's going to join us and while we're at the foot of this beast we meet Rachel and James, from Engurlund. A proper posse now.

The only thing was missing was a heroic guide and this was solved when we're introduced to our fella. Think Mr Miyagi from the Karate kid, meets Splinter from the Turtles. He's a wise lad who's 3 foot nothing with a proper taste for the fags. Fun times ahead.



Next up is Poxy mountains, poxy mountains and poxy mountains.



I'm off now to sort my life out, g'luck!

Fancy a Goon spoon?

You could smell the seediness in the air as we pulled into Angeles "Sin"City. Guest Relation Officers, a posh was of saying brazzers are everywhere, as are the old balding men who couldn't get up on a bunk bed. We hit it off fantastic with the place we book into. It's fancy as fook and it's for next to nothing.

I'd been here the year before and it's not really a place for young wimmin to be. I just remember telling everyone I played for Shelbourne, was a member of Oasis or I was a brain surgeon. Drinking champagne, smoking cigars and eating (pretending to eat) caviar.

None of that happened this time around though. B is proper freaked at what's going on around us so we keep it handy and use the time to skype home and catch up with people, I go for a few walk abouts to take in the wonderful scenery, it's really nice. And before yiz get on your high horse, I'm 25, I'm not an old man and I was only looking. I never give out to you girdles for window shopping, do I?


I've actually got a phone call from back home, so I'm going to cut this short for a few hours. Back in a while.......

Can't stop the Jock.....

Vigan is one of my favourite places I've seen, just for the old Spanish styled buildings and horses and cart's everywhere. I felt like I was an extra in a Zorro film. The people were over the top friendly too. Sound skins.

So we head out walking with no real idea where we were going or what we wanted to do, not the best idea in 30+ degree heat with no sun cream on, but when in the Phillies.....

A 2 hour stroll leads us to the "beach". It was the sea with about 7 rocks. We really enjoyed it though, nice and relaxing and we still hadn't touched a beer since Alona. Got a tricycle back to the village we were staying in and just pottered around, it was so laid back, just lovely. We decided to dip into the culture and get a horse and cart around the town and done a few typical activities, like, pottery, quiet gardens and ringing bell towers. We almost helped a monkey escape his cage too, if I ever go back there, I'll do it. Although knowing me, I'll free him and he'd get eaten by a hawk or something as soon as he tastes freedom!

That's pretty much it for Vigan, it was a chill out spot more than anything. The plan now was to start heading back down south as at the moment, we are at the very tip of the north. It's coach time again. Destination; Baguio, the highest spot in the Philippines. Now I've no idea how high up we are, but the bus broke down twice trying to get up there and we end up over the clouds. Fantastic sight I must say. The 7 hour bus journey has us wrecked, an absolute gent who's name I can't remember brings us to this lovely, newly built hotel. it's fantastic, except, the staff can't speak English and have no idea how to run the place. Think an Asian Fawlty Towers and you've got it in one. Several times B was showering and the power went off, so she's standing in the room, covered in soap while the staff are trying to fix the heater. Absolute gold watching them run around while B is freaking out.

One day, went out for the day, horse riding. Sh-eeee-ite was it scary.

My horse looked like Lisbeth Salander, with a mohawk and a mean personality. He starts cantering or galloping (whatever ya call it) around and muggins here is on the back with no helmet (sorry ma) running around the streets of Baguio not able to stop. B is sauntering round like the Queen on a summers day. I survived that and in doing so used up one of my numerous lives I seem to have. We went and seen an actual Mummy, all mummified an' that. Deadly.

My favourite day in Baguio was the day I had a large lasagne and garlic bread for breakfast, chicken adobo and rice a few hours later, then a Thai green curry and on the way home from the restaurant got another large lasagne and garlic bread and 12 Dunkin' Donuts and a few boxes of pringles. I'm so fat it's great.


I should mention, I have the look of a man who is well travelled, with very long hair and a pathetic attempt at a beard.

Time for a beer? Yes.

Out in this really nice bar on a strip called "session road" you couldn't make it up.

I'm running out of time here so I've got to skip on a bit but we end up sitting with these Philippino gangsters. I had no clue, chatting away to them as if they were my best mates getting annoyed that B kept kicking my leg. I thought she had a problem with her knee.

I'm a bit well on so I don't really remember how we done it, but combined we managed to talk our way out of this interesting predicament and keep on trucking down Session Road.

The next morning it was down to my favourite Super hero cafe for a large lasagne....


After Baguio we were hitting a place called Angeles City, infamous for it's sex industry, clubs and drugs. It's an OAP's playground.

B is sceptical. I can't wait.

That's all for today folks, I'm off to the pub.

"Sure, you could talk that into coming down"

We're waiting for our flight in Tagbilaran airport and to my surprise, they have live entertainment, only in the Philippines aye? Two blokes and a girdle singing playing guitar cool as you like in their shades smiling away. I thought they were really good and was a tad upset to board the flight because I was really enjoying the performance.

The flight itself was your average near death experience. We landed in Manila with no intention of hanging around as we were running out of time in the Phillies. I think we're four weeks here at this stage so we're heading for Olongapo up north of Manila. An absolute gent gets on the bus selling Dunkin' Donuts so without thinking twice I've bought them from him and I'm tucking into a dozen Bavarian Creams. B is on her 'diet', but no one can turn down one of these beauts down, especially on a 6 hour bus journey. 'The Hulk' is being shown but it's the rubbish one with the fella who looks like a leprechaun, it will do however. In typical Philippino style, they stop it halfway through and start showing some Phillie soap opera. The acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Arrive to Olongapo around 10pm and find a busy street called Maysaysay drive. We book into a small place for 3 nights. We're going to Subic tomorrow, to the Zoobic safari. Yerrrrah!


A slight side step here; The four weeks we've been on the road, it has been nice to get into a place, slap on some tv and relax for a bit. However, tv here goes for ad breaks every 5-8 minutes. They show the same 3-4 ads each time. For the older readers, you may remember Betty White from the "Golden Girls", well she's a star again. Every 5minutes we were reminded on this. "Noooooooobody knows......" It became a proper inside joke for the two of us for pretty much the rest of the travels and even now... (considering I'm still away)


The safari was animal, pun intended. We got our photos taken with baby tigers, visited averies and a crocodile farm. I even got to feed crocs with chicken on a fishing rod and then a couple of chaps who lived in the mountains came down in animal skin covering their nether regions and danced around for a bit with sticks. We boarded a jeep and went around the field with tigers in it. The bloke beside me has chicken hanging of the side and on the roof and we're surrounded by all these amber and black fellas jumping on the roof and clawing the side of the jeep. Excellent stuff altogether.

After that, we went to a Marine park. Dolphin and seal shows galore. That was pretty cool too. Especially knowing that there are dolphins and seals smarter than most of my mates. Special note to the volunteer who tried to be smart and messed up completley and slid into the water. I could talk all day about it but you know my style by now.

SUBWAY!!!

I've missed those sandwiches, they always remind me of my good mate Niamhie Campbell. As we sit enjoying this rare treat, I notice it's October 31st, Hallowe'en, yet they have Christmas trees up everywhere. I suppose it's ok when you live in a country with no rules, laws or traditions!


Olongapo/Subic, it was nice knowing you, but now we have to leave, we're going north again, to Vigan. As far as I know it's the oldest Philippino village. It's reminiscent of a 17th century Spanish town, with cobblestones and horse and cart is the main mode of transport. I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this.

I'm edgy however as Shels are in the season closer, the FAI Cup final in Landsdowne Road in Dublin against a bunch of Boggers and farmers from Sligo. The thought of me missing it because I'm trapped on a twelve hour bus journey isn't the most enjoyable experience. I'm distracted for a moment by the homeless chap robbing the curtains on the bus.


We arrive in Vigan and it's 11pm, we always get to places at stupid hours and grab the first place we find usually. We get into a place called Grandpas Inn and it's like staying in your Grannies or Grandas place if they lived on the Iberian peninsula. I don't take in too much of the surroundings as I have to catch this match on RTE online.

After going 1-0 up, my favourite ref reduces the Reds to 10 men and Sligo equalise. We hold out 10 v 12, basically, til penalties and eventually the wooly backs win it on penalties. So so proud of my Shelbourne. Heroes in Red. Regardless of the result.


Now I have no more distractions, tomorrow, we're going exploring Vigan.



Next up is wandering aimlessly, Baguio and partying with gangsters.

I almost forgot to say, remember the chaps singing? Yeah they were blind. Everyone had copped it, except me. I thought they were all smiling at me too. Pfffft.

Anyways.....

See yiz after!

"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

First off, apologies for the lack of blogging lately, blame Bill Gates.

Moving on from my last entry, which was a sentimental chapter for me, we were heading for Alona beach known around Bohol as the "mini Boracay". So, the place where we broke bones, slept rough and had a bit of an incident with fire and water, we were going back to a smaller version of this. I had a feeling the results would be the same, just a lot more noticable.

We got to the beach and B goes off looking for a place to stay, while I hold up the bar with a rum and coke, I wanted a Malibu, just to be cultural with the palm trees and coconuts falling everywhere.

*Random fact - More people are killed by falling coconuts then they are by getting hit by cars.

A place has been found, apparently it's a new place so they charge us fairly cheap for a decent room, it's a double bed with tv and a shower. Western toilet, nicely.

B says that the Aussie lads at the bar which is part of where we are staying, have been taking the pish out of her and despite the fact I had said I was going on the dry I sat at the bar, because it was a bar alright..... and I like company......feck off I sat there cos I wanted a beer, I regret nothing.

The owner of the bar and a ridiculously drunk Aussie chap are in attendance making snide remarks about being from Ireland, they were so bad I can't actually recall them, but I'm guessing "Thurty three and a thurd" and some mologion about Boyzone was mentioned. I knocked the ball out of the park by requesting the Aussie national anthem "Rolf Harris - 2 Little boys". It seemed they enjoyed a bit of slagging back. Game on.

They were actually really sound and I have my first bar tab opened. It seems to be a local for single men or chaps who have shacked up with Philippino girls, they're all really sound. The owner, I think it's Glenn but B reckons it's Ken, was sound as a bell and was constantly drinking everyday, my kind of bar owner. Gerry was his lunatic bar fly that worked with explosives in Perth and was on his holidays. It goes without saying I never seen him sober once in 4 days. He seemed like he didn't like us at all at first, but he was broken down eventually. Stephan was a Kraut who looked very similar to Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Brian was an Aussie from Brisbane who sounded like Crocodile Dundee so straight away had my respect.

It's 5 hours later, a burger has been consumed so ultimately we feel as though we have another 5 hours in us instantly. We never leave the bar and alot of whiskey is consumed. B is dancing on the bar with no music and 4 drunk lads, 2 of whom are falling asleep and I'm being serenaded by some Philippino who can sing but just doesn't know the words, so they're humming in harmony. Christ I'm drunk. Bed time.



The following day, herself is hanging. I go for breakfast, your standard San Miguel and watch the Melbourne Cup. The day, you could say, was wasted as all I done with my day, was sit at the bar drinking and laughing. If you read that sentence again, you'll realise I wasted nothing. A great day was had.

Next day we went Dolphin watching and to a few islands 'n that. Good wholesome fun, getting up at 5am to see it, wasn't. We hit the bar again for farewell drinks with the lads who had kept us well entertained for the last 4 days (I realise I've left out a day somewhere, blame the whiskey and the tap water) We cracked Gerry from his hard exterior and found out he was really a top bloke, and B punched one of Stephans mates in a Freaky European bar while I chatted away about Rory Gallagher to a load of Belgians.

All in all Alona was sound, no broken bones, some sore heads and some free beer coolers that I may have taken from the establishment. Shhhhhhh......


Next up is a flight from Tagbilaran up to Manila again and from there we were heading to Olongapo and Subic. I had been to Subic for a day the year before on my holidays and knew they had an tiger safari, I wanted to do this!!!

The next installement is on Christmas trees in October, 3 blind mice and Good old Betty White from the "Golden Girls"



Again, sorry about the delay hopefully back up and running now, See yiz fuckers (For you Steph)